Nobody would have known

Today I was running some exams off-site for our high school.  The teachers had brought the students a bag of delicious big cookies from our local premiere bakery.  At the end of the day after everyone had left, the bag of cookies was still there.  There would have been MANY times in the past when I would have just spirited that bag away, and no one would have known.  I could have done that today, but I did not.

And yesterday, I went to play Mah jongh again.  This time I did NOT pig out on the snacks.  I brought a container of PB-cup clones from Aldi that I know from experience are awesome.  But I ate none, and left them with the hostess.

I think it is safe to say I am back in the game!

It's kinda sad, really

My daughter will be having a baby in a few weeks.  I am trying to gather some recipes so that I can take some meals to them.  Since I have been trying to lose weight for 30 years, I have a lot of weirdo recipes and not so many tried and true mainstream recipes that I have used regularly.

I know mainstream recipes can be 'light', but my weirdo recipes have been a little more than just 'light'.   They wouldn't seem weird to people on weight loss blogs or food blogs, but to people who don't focus their every minute on food, they just would not appeal.

I've had this realization before and it really is kind of sad.  For the next few weeks I am going to force myself to fix some mainstream but healthy 'normal' recipes, so that I can assure myself they'll be worthy of giving to someone else.

Tonight I am going to make shrimp and black beans.

I know in my mind that I wouldn't have had to eat weirdo recipes all these years in order to be successful.  (and come to think of it, I'm not at goal, so obviously the weirdo recipes didn't do the trick either!)

But eating a normal portion is such a problem with regular recipes.

Ah, woe is me.  For now I will pursue my goal of recipes that my daughter and son-in-law will like (hopefully) and maybe I will get comfortable with the mainstream again!

Saving time is good

My avoiding starches can make breakfast during the work week a challenge.  I need to think ahead in order to not end up taking oatmeal at the last minute.  (I love oatmeal, but am avoiding it for the time being.)

So I usually make a quiche like thing or a coffee cake-like thing made without flour.  On the weekends I enjoy eggs with lots of vegetables and turkey sausage.  I've gotten tired of frying that up on the stove, so I recently tried my own variation of the baked frittata that I read about here.  Loved that for variety!  

Yesterday it occurred to me I could make multiple servings at the same time and have my breakfasts for the week -- saving me the extra time of a separate baking experience.  I'm for anything that saves me time in the kitchen, thus making it easier to stay on my program!

Irony

I do a good job of not bringing dangerous foods into the house.  My trouble usually comes from what my husband has around, and it's only a problem if he slacks off on locking the goodies up (I know, how sad is that.)  Today, when the newspaper was delivered, it included two Ghirardelli chocolate samples in new flavors! I work so hard to avoid having temptation around and then....that!

I made it through the day without eating them and just finished, with great satisfaction, running hot water over them in the kitchen sink.  Tomorrow morning, I'll regret it, but later I'll be glad.   I also took a leftover doughnut that I'm tired of waiting for my husband to eat...and flushed it.  Whew!  Now my home feels more comfortable!

WEARY

I find it discouraging that the issues regarding weight loss that I battled years ago (when I didn’t need to lose weight, but thought I did) are the same ones that dog me today:

-- Outstanding motivation to stay on plan in the daytime, and late in the evening the motivation to binge is just as outstanding.  Familiar to many, I know.

-- Over-concern with any small deviation.  The feeling of failure that results gives me permission to hurt myself by really letting go on the food.

-- A feeling of lost-at-sea when I am not at my home-base around foods that can easily be accounted for.   

-- Boredom.  I can eat more broccoli and carrots and salad  and yogurt and berries than you can imagine, and enjoy them. For over a year at a time.  But then I get sick of doing that.  And don’t even want to look at those foods.  And there’s the danger -- if I quit eating those because I’m so sick of them, my resulting diet isn’t going to be the greatest. 

-- Feeling the need to account for what I eat.  I’ve done it for so long, it feels like a binge if I DON’T tally my food.  Sometimes I long to just try to eat reasonably but my addiction to tracking stops me, as well as my love of large portions and my inability to know when I’ve had enough. 

-- The time I spend on weigh control thoughts.  I love to do research.  So I waste a lot of time researching recipes, etc., hoping, I think, to find the magic that will make my journey easy.  Maybe I am fooling myself, giving myself credit for working the problem when I am really just wasting time.  The time I put in preparing healthy food is well-spent.  But the hours I spend on the internet, I acknowledge are a sham.  I don’t need to put so much time into this.  I just need to buckle down and do it.   Researching my problem is NOT  the same as actually solving my problem.  I’m fooling myself by not concentrating my efforts where they need to be concentrated:  saying no to food when I am ready to lose control. 

--Fear of eating out.  I can eat out successfully but not joyfully.  I miss this.  It also sets me up for an anxious day of anticipation and worry.

The fact that I still face the same roadblocks as I did years ago is very disheartening. 

I can’t say I know the answer yet (though for awhile I thought I had it), but I know it’s available because I’ve seen others do it.  And note to self:  although I still need to find the long-term answer to success, it will not be found on the computer screen.

spinning my wheels

I've been here so many times...  Lots of success, not at goal yet, but suddenly feeling deflated and demotivated.  I considered going back to calorie counting, but I've gotten used to points and really find that a lot easier.

The real sticking point is that I gave up wheat about six months ago and have also severely limited rice and potatoes.  But I don't think I can do it anymore.  But this is causing me a lot of conflict because I have done so much reading on how bad wheat is for us.  I know I can still lose weight if I go back to eating wheat, but somehow it makes me feel like a failure if I do that.  Grrrr.  I wish I could just go on my merry way and quit overthinking and micro-analyzing.

Looking at the Options

As I cast about, trying to regain my momentum, I have considered dropping my Weight Watchers membership for awhile.  Just to do something different.  But as I consider the reality of counting calories...I want nothing to do with it!  I have come to love not having to count fruit and vegetables, and figuring points for other things is way more simple than I ever thought it would be.

So, I'll think about eating some things I haven't eaten for awhile, and lighten up on the leftovers, and see if that helps get the excitement back.

Relapse

I played Mah Jongg a week ago Sunday, and since then have not been able to get back on track.  I know it is completely possible to play Mah Jongg and NOT eat the treats, but that did not happen.

This is why I really dread being social!  I thought I had this problem licked, but obviously not.

Writing today means, I think, that I am ready to climb back on the program.

I'll admit I am also getting weary of not using flour.