Merry Perennial

Wanting but not Craving

2012-01-23T16:49:00.000-06:00

This is where I'm at... I've been limiting my starches for awhile now. It started with just being careful how many I had, and then I went further and gave up wheat after reading Wheat Belly. I didn't really use that much wheat anyway, but I gave up using Bisquick and the infrequent sandwich thins that I'd been having.

One day I realized I wasn't craving and hungry all the time. (I may even have already said this on my blog, but I don't want to go back and check.) Now maybe that's just my imagination, although I don't think so. At any rate I'm going to consider it true.

I like what I'm eating and none of it is anything I want to binge on, so I'm really happy about that.

There HAVE been a few slips along the way. But I've managed to get back with the program immediately (this is new for me).

Because the slips have happened enough times (not often, but enough) and I am still in my smaller sizes and on program, I have finally developed the belief that I can succeed all the way to goal even if I have mistakes. I have always known this to be true, but it's another thing to actually believe it for myself. And now I do. And it gives me a sense of calm to know that this means at goal, I will be able to have these things from time to time.

I don't crave the foods I have given up, and that is wonderful, because it makes me feel less anxious. But I still WANT them. This isn't bothering me at all...I just think it's an interesting insight. I would still choose to have them often if I felt I could control them. I'd love it if eventually I lost interest in those foods.

Taking a Leap of Faith

2012-01-17T06:51:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a day off from work and a 50% off sale at the second hand store. I decided to look for some next-size-down pants to have on hand as motivation. I bought two pair, in brands that I might not be willing to buy new. So now I have something to aim for! This means I think I am still going to lose weight!

Thinking Starches Through

2012-01-16T06:58:00.022-06:00

The current stage I'm in is to be afraid of starches. As I think I have already stated, I have given up wheat. Not saying it's permanent, but that's the way it is for now. But I pretty much don't eat potatoes or rice either -- although I'm more open to them.

I know I felt afraid of starches going into Weight Watchers this time. That's because they are so easy to overeat. But calculating points has made me see how expensive some carbs are, pointwise. If I have an egg with turkey sausage, onion and cheese, it's only four points. If I have a half cup of dry oats, half a cup skim milk, apple and 7 g of almonds, it's six points. (I've tried having a third cups of oats and it's not enough).

My natural reaction is to steer clear of the starches altogether. But I'm thinking that really the message is to respect them and limit them, but not shun them. I'd really like to BELIEVE that, so I don't feel I am relaxing my standards when I have potato or brown rice, which at this point is very seldom.

Jolt!

2012-01-15T06:07:00.014-06:00

I have talked about the incredulous comments I've gotten from people about my weight loss. Along with fitting into smaller sizes, that is one of the greatest "proofs" of progress.

So, a couple days ago I was going through the 1000 or so pictures that my son-in-law added to my computer of family events since October. Sadly, I was appalled at how I looked...even after all my progress. I always think I look pretty good (for me) when I look in the mirror. I know pictures are always a rude awakening like that. I've seen worse pictures of me in terms of my weight, definitely, but looking at me from afar, I have not come as far as I had thought. What a jolt! I will consider it progress in the mental part of this journey, though, that I was willing to have so many pictures taken of me.

Unhelpful Thoughts Come Unbidden

2012-01-14T06:26:00.009-06:00

This has happened to me before, so it's not new... I start to doubt if my eating plan is still working. I looked back and saw that I fit into the new size in October. Seems to me I should be ready now for a new size again, but I'm not. So then I start thinking I'm doing something wrong. Now, this period covers the holiday period, and I don't think I gained, since I still fit in my clothes. I should consider that in itself a success. I need to relax and keep the faith.

Mantra-to-be?

2012-01-13T10:24:00.000-06:00

There may be better places to store this, but for now it's going here. I thought of an idea that may become a mantra that will be useful to me and if I don't write it down now I will forget the concept.

When you have to react/respond to something, force yourself to stop and think first. What's your natural inclination, what comes automatic to you as the way to respond? to show anger? To show hurt? To show revulsion? To show acceptance? To express willingness to help? To agree? To disagree?

Then, try to think of the following before you respond: is the way you automatically want to respond going to get you what you want in the long run? Down the road do you think you will be glad you blew up at someone? Will you be glad you kept quiet and didn't defend the defenseless?

I am going to try to do this. Because, I look at ways I have sometimes responded-in-the-moment in the past, and know without a doubt today that I responded in a way that was not good for the long run.

The idea needs some refining. But I feel good that I have it in a place I can find it when I want to think on it further.

I did not come up with this in regard to eating. But of course it can apply to that area very well.

I also know it is not original -- in fact now that I think of it, it is similar or even the same as what I've heard in WW before: "don't let what you want in the moment destroy what you want most of all." That's not exactly how it goes, but that's the concept.

But as with many valuable things, perhaps the concept has always been in practice by many others, but for me it's a light bulb moment.

Update -- what seems to be working

2012-01-06T15:01:00.000-06:00

At the end of November, I entered my second year on Weight Watchers. Since I have an anxiety issue with weighing, I don't know exactly how much I've lost. But it's around 60 pounds. The two-year thing is notable to me because I have never stayed on an eating plan for more than a year. I feel so relieved/excited/peaceful that I am not growing weary of this style of eating. Naturally, I have not done everything perfectly. But I have overall made great improvements in: 1) limiting the food volume of an overeating episode, and 2) getting back on plan quickly.

I am also coming to a new acceptance of the fact that when I have to go out to eat, I can't account for points exactly. I have come to believe that the eating-out occasion isn't going to mess me up unless I decide to let it throw me off even after the meal is over. I normally make the best choices I can at a restaurant, I do not go crazy-off-plan just because I can't be perfect.

In addition to Weight Watchers, I have also been, for the last six months or so, abstaining from wheat. Not surprisingly, that was after having read Wheat Belly. My crazy mind tells me I also shouldn't have other starches, and I can't seem to shut that message off completely, so I don't have brown rice or potatoes too often. I don't know what I will do when I am at goal with respect to starches -- can't wait to find out!

Oh, and I also avoid many/most packaged foods. I DO use canned black beans and tomatoes and cheese and milk and a few other things. But I don't use packaged meals or bars or dry cereal. For me, those foods are too hard to stop eating. I make my own greek yogurt because it is way cheaper than buying it, and I use it every day.

I do think it is true that my constant hunger has gone away since I gave up wheat and packaged foods. And when I'm not constantly hungry, then WILLPOWER no longer has to be such a big part of the equation.

The week before Christmas, I told my husband I was taking quite a number of bags to Value Village -- with all the clothes that had become too large. He replied, "so you're willing to spend all the money to re-buy those clothes then?" Well, I'll admit, his comment did keep me from going to Value Village that day. He awakened that little fear deep inside that maybe one day I WILL lose my resolve and then I will be kicking myself when I have to spend more good money to buy fat clothes that I could still have had available. I decided it would be dangerous to have to start worrying about what I'll wear if I lose my resolve. Right now, I don't worry about that at all, and I don't want to start. One day I really will be ready to get rid of that stuff. I am not upset with my husband for his comment. What should his reaction be after 35 years of my efforts?

There were times when I said I would never go back to Weight Watchers, even though it had worked for me in the past. First, I had heard absolutely all the pep talks that were available anywhere on the planet. Hearing them again was depressing, a reminder of my failures. I tried points a couple times, and I did not mesh with those plans -- I had done better with the exchange plans. Somehow I never seemed to have enough points, and the worst part was the anxiety this caused. But when I happened to look at the site just around Thanksgiving 2010, and saw the PointsPlus was starting that week, I gave it a try and here I am! I am doing it online, because I am still susceptible to getting depressed hearing all the happy talk at meetings that I failed to heed in the past. I also have developed a fear of going to meetings now that I am "old." I remember sort of discounting people like myself when I went to meetings as a younger person. I know, shame on me. It hurts terribly to feel disregarded by others.

But I have learned the lesson: never stop searching for the answer.

Hear hear!

2011-12-16T08:46:00.000-06:00

It was truly music to my ears yesterday to hear someone at work say, "You're losing gobs and gobs of weight! What's going on?" It especially means a lot to me because I still don't weigh -- have a "thing" about weighing more than what I got to in my former weight loss attempt. So this feedback gives me the proof I need that I am doing fine!

I HATE HATE HATE the scale.

2011-11-10T06:51:00.000-06:00

I have not weighed since August. But I have plugged along, secure in the belief that my plan was working, because my clothes have been getting too big and I've had to move down to smaller sizes. But I weighed this week, because the data is needed in connection with medical benefits for next year. I was down about 10 pounds from mid-August. I expected a lot more. It caused me to question my plan, whether my firm belief in its soundness was all wrong, whether I was fooling myself, etc.

But in reality, I know that it a PERFECTLY FINE weight loss for that period of time, especially considering that I am not starving all the time.

I am just SO happy with my decision to avoid the scale. I couldn't tolerate the mind games that accompany weighing -- if the last few days are any example of what it would be like. And they are.

Being Cautious

2011-10-21T08:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I accidentally forgot to add my yogurt to my journal. I realized it this morning, and the result was that I was 2 pointsplus over for yesterday. That gave me an idea. I have always been too chicken to use my weekly 49 pointsplus. The only way they end up being used is if I have some unintended eating. I THINK I will try intentionally using a few of these points, and see if I am still successful. I'd hate to get to goal and find that because I never used them, my body won't adjust to me adding them back at goal. This is the kind of stuff that is scary to me!

There comes a time...

2011-10-20T17:18:00.001-05:00

Today, I fit into regular size 18 pants, not 18W, not stretch. The real deal! Now, I know that not all 18s everywhere are magically going to fit, but that doesn't matter. Last year at about this time I was in 24s, and worried about what would come next.

I am ALMOST at the point where I can feel comfortable without an over-shirt! Imagine! I am considering a turtleneck over pants, all by themselves! This is one of those thresholds that you gotta love, and it has nothing to do with a certain number of pounds lost.

Last year my purchases of tops was all centered around them being roomy enough to show no shape of me at all. Now, I am ready to ditch the tops that feel like tents. They are not my best friend anymore.

I have settled in to my way of eating. I am not perfect by any means and there are some improvements I want to make to how I handle myself during my slips. But I am thrilled that I have hung on long enough to see that I can have success even WITH the slips. I wish I didn't have the slips. I am not going forward with the secret desire to have a slip every now and then and know I can get away with it. But I have proven to myself that IMPERFECT still SUCCEEDS!

My recent airplane flight

2011-10-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

I had a strange experience on my recent flight to visit our daughter, son-in-law and grandson. After going through the full-body scanner, I had to have my knees and thighs patted down!! Not good for the self-esteem. The way I take it, whoever was seeing the scan saw that my thighs and knees were out of proportion to the rest of me! It was sobering to have someone who wasn't even actually looking AT me, confirm that my body parts were "not normal". I already know this, but did not enjoy having it confirmed in such a way! I think my thighs will improve some with more weight loss, but my knees have weird fat pads on the inside, and they will NEVER go away. I remember in my 20s, I got to the real WW goal of 135 and went shopping for new clothes with my mother. It turned into a sad downer because the dresses still looked horrible due to my heavy knees.

I find no fault with TSA in this. I just hate when an unbiased outsider confirms such a sad truth about my body!

Report

2011-09-12T15:37:00.000-05:00

I'm back from a week out in Seattle, Spokane and Cannon Beach. I feel successful, calm about how I handled the trip. It is not bothering me that I wasn't perfect. I brought some safe food with me -- roasted garbanzo beans, cheese sticks, frozen broccoli) and it did come in handy. I still had some of the garbanzo beans left when I got home, which is testament to not binging on them just because they were there.

I decided NOT to resist the hotdog and chips offered on the plane, I think because it is so unusual anymore to get anything served on the plane. But I didn't allow that to turn into a free-for-all.

We had most meals at restaurants, but I did not pig out once. Sometimes I split a meal with my husband. I never had pancakes because I decided it would be too hard to plan the rest of the day around a high carb breakfast. Often for lunch or dinner I had a chicken salad with dressing on the side. I never had a sandwich. I look back and can't believe I did so well, but I was determined.

I did have more peanut butter filled pretzels than I should have, but that was it.

I am aware I could have decided to "let go" during vacation, and, then jump back on program when I got home, and maybe one day when I am at goal, I will make that decision. But for me, letting go would mean indulging at EVERY eating experience. My body puts on weight very efficiently and I think it would have set me back 20 pounds. That would have been devastating.

It just feels good now to be home, back in my routine, and able to look back and see and appreciate that I didn't eat like a fool while I was gone.

School year starts

2011-08-23T07:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day back at school. I had FOUR people individually comment on how my appearance had changed over the summer. Varying ways of how they worded it. I was very happy about that, since I wasn't truly sure if the change was visible -- since I am afraid of weighing, and since I can still wear SOME of the capris that I wore in the spring. They must have been really tight, and I probably didn't wear them to work. Some of the capris look ridiculously loose, though, so they have been retired. I am a person who hates being the center of attention, but I still loved and appreciated the comments. Made me all the happier that I had "disposed of" the previous night's brownies and tortilla chips by bringing them in to school.

What I forgot

2011-08-15T07:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know where my mind was yesterday. I did have a post that I had been meaning to write and I totally blanked it. We took a 5-day road trip to our daughter and son-in-law's house, 10 hours away. My eating was fabulous. Except for a short incident of eating pita chips (one of the incidents included in yesterday's post), my eating was great. During the drive, I ate shredded chicken chili with sour cream that I had made and frozen in advance and put in a cooler full of ice. I let it sit out and when lunch or dinner time came, it was thawed and ready to go. I am lucky in that it doesn't matter to me if I eat it hot or cold. My husband had KFC, the best choice for his diabetes, he decided. I also had baby carrots and grapes with me.

At our daughter's, we were babysitting and they were going to work, so we didn't do any eating out. I had my usual egg and vegetable and sausage breakfast. For lunch it was edamame, leftover meat or roasted garbanzos and of course fruits and vegetables. For dinner it was chicken or steak and salad. My biggest thrill was the when there is nothing much to choose from, having edamame and garbanzos on hand do the job just fine! For salad, I could have just used their dressings for points, but since I had plain yogurt, I made the dressing I have been using at home: yogurt, mayonnaise, cider vinegar, basil, garlic. Just took a second to make, and only one point.

Score!

Just a few words

2011-08-14T10:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel guilty about not writing more often. But since I tend to be obsessive, it's really better that I don't add to my already excessive internet time. I also don't comment much, which I realize is not in the spirit of blogging. Guess I'm just a freak. I do read some blogs every day though.

I have been doing well. I still don't weigh, but I know by the sheer number of shorts/pants that I can wear that I am losing weight. Usually I get down to only about one or two things that will fit.

Since I last wrote, I have had two (only) instances of isolated uncontrolled eating. I tallied up the points afterwards and learned that the short-lived binge each time equalled less than a week's worth of weekly points. I'm not saying that's a good thing, by any means. But it helped me to not go into the mindset of "all is lost, I just can't get this right."

Also since I last wrote, I have noticed how I am not craving food constantly. Usually when I try to lose weight, all I can think about is food. Actually even when I'm not trying to lose weight, all I think about is food. I've not been having many starches, and maybe that's why. I don't know. I DO know that starches (and I know this is not news!) are absolutely the easiest thing to overdo.

Frustrated

2011-07-22T17:29:00.000-05:00

I am feeling anxious.

I have been doing great all week. But here are the two problems:

1. I can feel the urge to have some out-of-control eating. This always happens after I've been on plan for awhile. And I don't want just a treat, I want massively amounts of something.

2. I am micro-managing the plan. I am worrying that I am eating too many vegetables. I just need those thoughts to go away.

I think #2 is the result of the fact that I gave in and weighed myself a week or so ago. I had not lost anything in the months since I had weighed last. Yet my clothes are all fitting different (better), so I know I am doing something right. The scale is down the basement and is not digital, so I want to believe that it just isn't that accurate. (But it's always seemed decent in the past.) I just wish I hadn't weighed at all. This is the problem that weighing leads to. It puts me in a panic.

SCORE!

2011-07-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, I could feel that famished feeling coming on, where I've eaten "clean" for too long and part of me is asking for starchy stuff. I had already decided that staying on plan was not negotiable, so I went ahead and ate some things, but weighed them and counted them. I ended up having a serving of my homemade blueberry cake, and two servings (2 oz) of pretzels. That came to 9 pointsplus. I stopped after the first serving of pretzels but still didn't feel satisfied, so I had one more. Lo and behold, before I finished the second serving, I quit automatically reaching for them! I realized that I had been "satisfied" and had subconsciously quite reaching for them. I was surprised there were still a few left when I looked over.

I finished out the day within my allowed points and I am thrilled to learn it's possible to acknowledge the craving and satisfy it WITHOUT eating everything. Not saying I can repeat this performance, but at least I know it's possible.

Landmines

2011-07-01T07:49:00.000-05:00

Several communal eating occasions coming up. Tonight we are going out to eat with friends. Sunday we are having family over for the 4th. Then, I have book club at my house on Tuesday. I long for the day when I don't dread special eating occasions. Is that even a possibility?

It's not so much the actual mealtime itself that I dread, I don't think. I think it is the time before and after. The time before where I feel I have to be super vigilant because I don't know how the special meal is going to go (especially if I can't know what the food will be). Then, afterwards, if I end up still feeling hungry, I don't feel entitled to eat too much because the special meal most certainly had more calories than I would normally have.

So special meals end up being a lot of time spent "marking time", which is uncomfortable.

My concern about entertaining on Sunday is that when I am nervous, I tend to eat for the calming effects. Which would typically mean continuously eating the chips or whatever snack is available. Eating it either with the guests or secretly from the container in the kitchen. (I will never subject my guests to not having snacks, if snacks are appropriate to the occasion, even though snacks might not be "good" for anyone.)

I also wrestle with demons after a special meal. An evil voice tells me that the meal was not as conservative as I normally eat, so I might as well take advantage and stoke up on some junk eating before the day is over. I know that is common among us with eating issues, and I want to beat it.

More controlled destruction

2011-06-29T21:17:00.000-05:00

My husband got home from a trip to Australia and presented me with a mug that he had received from a restaurant proprietor. It was filled with chocolates. Aaccckkk! After he went to bed I did what I had to do...I washed the chocolates down the drain. It's not as if they were a gift that he BOUGHT me. Tomorrow, if he remembers them at all, he will just think I ate them. Unlike me, who would have NEVER forgotten about the chocolates...if they had survived the night, they would have been on my mind till they were either eaten or destroyed.

Usually when I destroy a food, there comes a time later when I regret it. "Think of all that yummy chocolate I could have had!" I thought about that tonight and decided I am perfectly fine with that regret if it happens. There are going to be times when I really want and crave chocolate and THAT'S when I'll have it. I really want to deep-six the habit of opportunistically eating a treat just because it's there.

Avoiding Temptation

2011-06-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

I am off work during the summer, so I have been doing a lot of cleaning out and organizing. Yesterday, in the basement, in a storage dresser, I found my husband's stash of Caramello candy bars, 8 of them I think. We have been down this road before, and I have asked him to LOCK UP his treats. At that moment, I was not tempted to eat them, but I knew that could change at any time.

Last night I was having trouble getting to sleep, and for me, overeating is a sleeping pill that always works. I narrowly avoided getting into the Caramellos -- I think it was helpful that they were still way down in the basement instead of in the bedside table. This morning, I promptly put them in the trash, which is being picked up today. I'm embarrassed that I have to go to these lengths to avoid temptation, and I would actually feel guilty about destroying his stash, except that he's already been asked to lock the stuff up. Not going to get in his business and suggest that he shouldn't be having them anyway.

observation

2011-06-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

Been blog-gone -- but still doing well. I have an observation to share from over the past month. Every now and then I have a day where I'm convinced nothing would be better than to have everything I crave and in large quantities. One day I gave in and bought and ate these foods. But all the while, I was paying attention to my behavior. When I am not on program, there IS no portion control and I eat until I can't eat any more. In this case, that came before the food products were gone. I would have liked to keep eating but I just couldn't. It takes me THAT long to stop eating naturally. (Whereas my husband leaves food on his plate because he just doesn't want any more after a normal portion)

Later on that day I needed to do some more shopping. I considered picking up some more of my favorite bad foods, but the appeal just wasn't there because I was so full. I really had no more interest in searching out problem foods and it was no problem to leave without them.

I wish that after a normal meal I could feel as uninterested in food as I do after a food free-for-all! Why do I have to be OVER full before I lose interest in eating? Maybe this is the magic that people are finding when they have bariatric surgery and then find they aren't interested in food because they are always full. (Yes, I realize bariatric surgery is not magic and not problem-free).

That bad day is in the past. But yesterday I was in the same store and would love to have overeaten on about 12 different things that I saw. I thought back to how DIS-interested I had been in these foods when I had been over-full on that previous occasion -- and wondered why I now had to be plagued with all those foods practically talking to me.

I have no answer to this problem. Except to not give in. I really dislike how the temptation is always there unless I have overeaten.

Eating out

2011-04-27T20:01:00.000-05:00

I've gone out to eat several times recently and it has worked into my plan successfully. Today I went to lunch to a funky little place and the choices were not the best. I ended up with vegetarian panini with roasted vegetables. Not sure what I expected, but here is what it was -- two pieces of bread (one piece spread with pesto), some roasted green peppers, onion, and tomato, and some sweet potato fries. I ate one piece of the bread, the vegetables and the fries. A very strange meal, it seemed to me, and when I left I was still hungry. When I got home, I generously tallied up my points, knowing that restaurant food aways seems to be high. I knew I wasn't going to make it till dinner without eating something substantial for a snack, so I had a serving of edamame. That really seemed to do the trick, because I didn't up eating dinner till after 7. I had kind of a fun dinner: I shredded a parsnip and fixed it liked hash browns, with some onion and green pepper and two teaspoons of oil. It turned out absolutely delicious! I had a boca burger with it. I have my daily salad all ready to go, but I don't feel hungry enough to eat it. So I may just go to bed without eating anything more.

After that lunch that included foods I normally don't eat, I had a moment of considering, "why not just have some more off-plan stuff, now that you've started?" But I talked myself out of it.

I have to say, I'm pretty happy to have eaten out three times, and not had it throw me off my plan afterwards. Not only that, but I also actually stuck to reasonable eating at the lunches.

This might be a plan

2011-04-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

The day is not over yet. I could still blow it. But so far I am happy with how things have gone.

The plan was church with our daughter and son-in-law at 9:15, then brunch at noon. I knew I couldn't and shouldn't wait till 12 to eat, so I had a serving of edamame (which I love) before going. Being the experienced dieter that I am, I knew that totally restricting myself at the brunch would backfire. So I decided ahead of time that I would eat sensibly, but not plan to stay within a typical meal's points. My intention was to count the entire brunch as weekly points, whatever it turned out to be. The reasoning there was that then I could come home and, when hungry, eat a reasonable dinner without feeling I had to restrict due to the brunch. I have not had dinner yet, but that is still my plan.

A few hours after getting back home, I got up the courage to enter the points of everything I ate at the brunch. I estimated serving sizes without peeking at the points first, so that I couldn't revise the serving downward when I saw how many points it was costing me. Know what I mean?

What do you think the brunch came out to? Eating in what I think was a really sensible fashion considering that it was a holiday. 38 points plus. That's more than a day's worth of points in just one meal. But with my plan in mind, I'm okay with it. I think my estimates are pretty good. One saving grace was that some of the things were small. The croissants were tiny. The scones were mini. I did my best to estimate what I thought each item weighed (I weigh my food every day, so I'm pretty good at this). That's one thing I love about the online WW tracker. Instead of just saying 1 scone or one-half scone, you can choose the weight that you estimate it to be.

After I got home, I had a brief period of considering "eating everything bad in the house for about a half hour", as if I would be sneaking in under some deadline, and that somehow it wouldn't count, it would just be "part of the brunch." But I got over it without giving in.

Time will tell whether this is a good plan. I had some things I normally don't eat (pancakes, croissant) but I wanted them and I enjoyed them and I didn't have two or three or four servings. So it's not tipping me into a binge. And on the other extreme, I'm not feeling deprived so that I have to find a way to get all the good food I missed out on, thereby sabotaging myself after all my efforts to be perfect.

A sigh of relief

2011-04-22T16:32:00.000-05:00

Today, I dragged summer clothes out of storage. I cannot express how happy I was that my capris from last year still fit or were loose. I don't even know how many times I have had to buy new clothes in the spring because over the winter I had gained weight. Such a good feeling today.

Yesterday I went out for lunch and just ate the chicken filet topped with bacon, and left the bun, fries, and complimentary popover. I found it easy, for some reason. At the moment I am just totally focussed on staying on plan, and am leery of any eating behavior that might de-rail me. Wish I could feel like this all the time.

Just a check-in

2011-04-16T13:49:00.000-05:00

I have not been blogging regularly. But I've been following my plan. I can see a good thing about that. It means that the eating plan has become my lifestyle, and not a novelty that I need to think and talk about constantly. I wish I had new things to say everyday, I would find that enjoyable. But I am happy that my eating can perk along successfully without the "validation" of daily blogging. I am still afraid to weigh myself, but I'm still seeing success by fitting into smaller clothes.

Report

2011-03-31T19:41:00.000-05:00

I've been away awhile. But that doesn't mean bad things. I'm still working my WW program. Have been very very busy at work and just finished spring break, where my daughter, son-in-law and new grandson visited for ten days. I was not able to track perfectly, but somehow I'm not letting that bother me. I did make some good choices -- at Chipotle, I had the salad and skipped the rice and tortilla. At one of the lunches I put on, we had commercial pulled pork and I counted the points using the packaging info. We had Davanni's one night and I chose thin crust, the red sauce and the light cheese. As the visit began, I was refraining from anything special and counting points strictly. As time went on, I wasn't so rigid but still made some good choices. Not that the time was problem free, but I'm happy with how it went. When it was all over, some of the food went in the trash because I knew sooner or later I would get into it.

Fell Down Hard

2011-03-02T16:28:00.001-06:00

Last night for the first time since the end of November, I lost control. So the hours from now till I fall asleep tonight will be very important. Can I maintain control as I nurse my disappointment over yesterday? I need to tell myself what I would tell anyone else in the same situation.

   That one evening does not ruin my progress so far.
   That I do not need to starve myself for the rest of the week to make up for yesterday.
   That having lost control does not take away my ability to succeed.

It does not matter how well I have done for the past three months if I cannot get my mind in the right place about yesterday.

Disappointment

2011-02-28T16:18:00.000-06:00

It's not weight-loss disappointment or going-off-plan disappointment, so that is a good thing indeed.

I almost never eat frozen entrees. Maybe twice a year. Yesterday, because I am trying hard to use up stuff from the freezer, I had a Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Rice and Beans. It was so delicious. I am bummed by how much better tasting the processed food seems to be, compared to home cooking! I know that also makes it easier to overeat, and that's the bad part. Maybe that's why I've been doing so well lately -- the home-made stuff doesn't tempt me as much. Usually.

But that's really sad, isn't it? To like the pre-made stuff better? I am ashamed of myself for that. But the truth is the truth. Of course, there ARE some home-made things that just can't be beat by their processed counterparts.

Because I have the processed stuff so rarely, the contrast between the two seemed really huge and stark yesterday. I am glad that I tend to stay away from those things usually, because of the price and the sodium, but I really wish I stayed away from them because they weren't as good as the real thing. I was brought up to believe that homemade is better!

I found a home-made recipe yesterday for Santa Fe rice and beans. I hope it is delicious. But I'm afraid it's just not going to have the same flavor WOW.

Glad today is a day off!

2011-02-21T08:42:00.000-06:00

How great a normal day feels! I was not starving yesterday and I appreciated it so, so much. I did survive the hungry day (Saturday) without losing control. It's funny how you can go to bed after a hungry day and then wake up to a normal day. Just one of those weird things about metabolism I guess.

I HATE HUNGRY DAYS

2011-02-19T12:49:00.000-06:00

Like today. Hungry days are uncomfortable and scary, but most of all they make me MAD. I guess mad is often my reaction to things I don't like. I have every intention of getting through the day without a problem, but I will miss getting through the day in COMFORT.

I sincerely hope that the mess of cabbage and onions that I sauteed will do the trick so that the hunger will retreat and I can CONCENTRATE!

As I said, I have no intention of sliding off course today, but historically, ravenous hunger HAS been the end of a weight loss quest -- more than once. I am hoping that this time my plan is so realistic that PERSISTENT hunger is just not going to be a problem. Now will be the test as to whether the 0 point fruit and vegetables can do their magic.

Blog Concept Fatigue

2011-02-18T08:35:00.000-06:00

Every day, I want to post and the words just don't come. I think part of the problem is that everything I want to say I've said before. There's nothing new about this journey for us veterans! I have been doing fine and still obsessively read blogs and the WW boards. Still not anywhere near ready to weigh myself but I can tell by my clothes that I am doing well. Here's my grocery list for today:

apples
cabbage
onions
carrots
parsnips
avocado
cider vinegar
parmesan
split peas
grapes

Almost could be a shopping list from the 1920's!

In my non-program days, I was never a packaged meal eater, but I sure went for the processed food. If I were NOT on program right now (which would mean I was in binge mode) and shopping just for me, I would be just getting supplies for the next day or two, not planning ahead, and the list would look something like this:

bakery cookies or sweet rolls
ripple chips
frozen garlic bread
croutons
peanut butter
Hershey's Kisses or similar
Red Vines

Now. I definitely have NOT swung to the opposite pole; I absolutely do NOT plan to give up those processed foods. But they will not be 100% of my diet like they are when I am out of control. There is NO WAY I want to eat an orange or grapes when I am eating from that junk food list.

So far, I have only dared have the Hershey's Kisses. Hopefully, soon I will be willing to try one of the others. You know why I'm scared: how do I stop at one serving? But I've been successful with the Hershey's Kisses, so that gives me hope.

One other thing I have done is start limiting my daily points to 29, still having access to the weekly 49 of course. I am doing this because I will officially be at 29 soon enough anyway and the thought of cutting back is so scary to me that I'm just going to do it now and be done with it.

Over the weeks that I have been on plan, eating all good stuff and still reaching 32 points, I have felt concern over what the heck I would cut back on when I dropped to 29 points, since I wasn't really having any extras. What I decided was that I will cut the serving size of my recipes enough to drop the servings a point or two, and that should do the trick. For example, I have an apple cake that I eat for breakfast that is 5 points. By cutting it into 8 servings instead of 6, the points will drop. Same with the split pea soup. If I divide it into 7 or 8 servings instead of 6, the points will drop and I don't think I will feel I am giving anything up.

One area that I still am not comfortable with is eating out. Someone invited me over for chicken soup dinner this week (along with someone else). It was a last minute invitation, so I was able to get away with going but saying I had already eaten.

(I DID plan to eat first, but then my daughter wanted to Skype with my brand-new grandson, so I ran out of time and had to go without eating first.)

But I DID NOT eat the chicken soup, Vienna bread, grocery store deep fried chicken, and banana cream pie. I waited until I got home at 9:30 PM to eat. Trying to gauge points would have been too anxiety- producing. Plus, I am still pretty unwilling to eat what is set in front of me rather than choosing just exactly what I want to eat. And, in addition, having a serving of that chicken could be enough to make me stop at the grocery store on the way home to pick up an entire box of it just for myself. I've done that before, since I am not willing to overeat it in front of other people.

Been Down This Road Before

2011-02-10T17:36:00.001-06:00

I have probably blogged about this before, and if so, I don't care, I feel like writing about it again. That's what this WL journey is like, anyway, the same troublesome thought processes recur -- over and over. And you have to keep dealing with them again and again.

We were planning an early Valentine's dinner out tonight because we have other things happening on Monday. (I've been sick all week and don't feel like going, so we aren't, but that's not the point.) Truth be told, I just didn't look forward to going out when I knew I was planning to be on plan. One other option my husband offered was to get our favorite Chinese take-out. But that would be no fun if I couldn't eat massive amounts.

NOW. Those sentiments do NOT mean I would have gone off plan. I would not have. And I will not. But I'm sad that the anticipation isn't there anymore. I'm very, very happy and very, very proud that I am learning to eat out without binging, but that feeling is not the same as anticipation. And I miss it. And that's just a fact of life.

And something I noticed...last night I had my 6 hershey's kisses, which I have been enjoying most nights. But last night, suddenly I was on the last one and didn't really remember eating the others. I must make a point to be mindful again while eating them! Easy to see how in the past I have downed bags of kisses, chips, nuts, peanut butter...

Bothersome thoughts

2011-02-09T07:05:00.000-06:00

I've had a couple uneventful days, foodwise, always a good thing. I've been fighting a cold since Friday, so I've been going sort of slow-speed on everything. Not my mind though. I've had this thought pattern before, so I'm not overly concerned about it.

When I get a rhythm going, when I've gotten past the initial 'I feel my clothes are looser!' phase, when it's just normal life, then I start second guessing myself.

Shouldn't I be seeing MORE looseness in my pants? Shouldn't this pair be fitting by now?
Can I really eat like this forever? Is it really OK to eat fruit without counting points?

I don't know where that thought process comes from, it must be my evil self. I don't REALLY feel doubt about those things, but some evil self is trying to tell me that I do.

However, this time, more than ever before, I realize: if I am to quit this way of eating, what am I going back to??? Currently, I can always eat something if I am hungry. I can have a treat every day. I can be assured I will never go to bed feeling so stuffed that I am sick. It's crazy to even miss that lifestyle of pain that I was living before. So I guess I am crazy :-)

There's still work to do!

2011-02-06T08:29:00.000-06:00

Today begins a new WW week! I see I still have some things to work on! Of course that's not surprising, but when one is doing well, one always hopes that it will be free sailing into the future.

Last night I was faced with that bank of unused weekly points, and nothing special (event or food) to use them on! For some reason, it was bugging me that I was turning my back on all that delicious goodness that I could have and still be ON PROGRAM.

Not sure why that hasn't bothered me in weeks past. So I had my planned treat and then AFTER I went to bed I decided to have the rest of the barbecue chips that were at my husband's bedside. Then, I decided the prime rib he'd had for dinner sounded really good. So I had some of that. Now, there were only about 3 chips in the bag, and I had very little prime rib. So I was well within my weekly points. But it was that old behavior coming back to haunt me! Going from one food to the next, the beginning of a food frenzy based on the knowledge that "tomorrow I can't do this anymore."

I could have continued, but I did not. So this morning, I feel a combination of success and failure. I know that overall the week was a resounding success and that I was "in control" 99.9 percent of the time. But it is devastating to know that the addictive behavior is still lurking in there, waiting for a vulnerable moment to show itself. However, this is not the first time I have stopped myself during a dangerous eating situation, so I feel very positive about that. I believe I am making headway.

Kind of surprising

2011-02-05T08:47:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I decided to use some weekly points. I only used 5. The reason I did this is because of what some people are saying on the WW boards about losing better if they shake up their intake by sometimes using the weeklies. The body gets used to the same thing day after day, etc. etc. and it helps to surprise it by varying the routine. I don't know if that's really true but anyway it was the basis for my actions.

In my limited experience using weeklies, I have ended up using a few because I have had a really hungry day. Or unavoidably used a few by eating out.

I am rather surprised by how wary and guilty last night has made me feel. I think it's because the eating was not because I was hungry, not because of a special event, and not even just because I "felt like" having a treat.

THEREFORE, I think it felt too much like my mindless eating of the past. I think I may have felt differently if I had even just really felt the urge for a treat. I'm thinking that in the future, before using the weeklies, I will be sure I really want something!

Imagine that!

2011-02-04T06:18:00.000-06:00

I couldn't be more surprised by how easy last night was. It is not always that way, and I know it usually won't be. I came home from work and I wasn't that hungry for some reason. All I had for a snack was a chicken wing. Then I spent my time getting ready for the evening. I made a big salad to go with the pizza. I was able to weigh my pizza and believe it or not, two pieces were 156 grams, so that was two servings 'exactly'. Since I was planning to use some weekly points, I had been open to have a third piece, but I was not still hungry! Having the salad really helped to make the pizza last longer. I ate one piece and then had the salad and then had the other piece.

I bought a little 4"x4" piece of chocolate cake to serve as the birthday cake for the four of us, and I didn't have any. No sacrifice there, cake isn't my thing. Of course, when I'm not on plan, I'll eat everything in sight that is palatable to me, so normally I would have eaten as much of it as possible.

We got the largest pizza and it wouldn't even fit in the oven. But it sat at the table after I had my two pieces, and it was NOT calling me. Usually I am just so uncomfortable with all that goodness sitting there. I would have gone back for more several times, especially if I could do it without being seen. Our son-in-law took home the leftovers, so no worries there.

Before bed, I always have something, and I think I need it. Last night, because my mind was automatically thinking "you have to conserve, you had pizza", I had baked parsnip fries instead of hershey's kisses.

It was not what I expected, but I did not dig into any weekly points. After having read a bunch of stuff on the WW boards, I am now obsessing (only slightly, though) over whether it's a mistake not to eat some of the weeklies. I guess one worry is always replaced with another! I have today and tomorrow left before a new week starts. If the urge hits, I'll use some weeklies, but I'm not going to eat them just because they're there. For most people, the plan would be to use them for Super Bowl. Fortunately or unfortunately, there is NO appeal there for me.

Anatomy of a Challenge

2011-02-03T15:13:00.000-06:00

Tonight I face the challenge of ordering pizza for dinner when our daughter and son-in-law come over. I've been ruminating about the best way to handle it ever since I knew about it. The food tracker says that a slice (78 g) of one topping pepperoni restaurant style thin crust pizza is 5 PP. Says the same thing about cheese pizza.

Here is why that is so exiting for me! (But I'm afraid it might be hard to figure out what I'm trying to say.) Recently I starting reading the blog of http://manmeetsscale.blogspot.com/, written by the guy who happens to be the CEO of WW International. In one post he says he wishes people would understand they don't have to micromanage the PP so much; they need to look at the big picture (disclaimer: that is MY interpretation of what he is saying).

This fits in perfectly with my pizza quandary. Normally I would obsess over finding an entry that matches exactly what I am having. But seeing that both cheese and pepperoni pizza have the same PP for the same weight piece, suddenly put things in perspective. THE LIGHT BULB WENT ON! If I have a thin crust piece of pizza and I weigh it, I'm going with 5 PP per 78 grams, no matter what is on it. That has become my new pizza guideline. (I haven't researched it further for other types of pizza, but for what I'm having tonight it's perfect.)

(In this case, I am able to weight my pizza, and now I'll know what 78 g looks like!)

I just don't have to be THAT perfect about it. Somehow, it just suddenly all made sense to me, and I think I can have two pieces of pizza, record it, and forget about it. And stop worrying that I don't know EXACTLY.

As I ruminated over how to handle today, I have unconsciously been trying to figure out how to fit the pizza dinner into my daily points without using any weeklies. I finally realized that is NOT the right thing to do. Doing that is only going to teach me how to starve before and after so that I can have a big meal. That's NOT what I am trying to learn. I'm actually kind of excited about the process of learning HOW MUCH EXTRA I can have in the context of a week, and still lose weight. That's been the missing link for me during my whole dieting career. When I get to goal, I will have to fine-tune it to learn HOW MUCH EXTRA I can have during the week and still maintain.

Both of these are huge, monumental discoveries for me, so I hope they made sense when put into writing!

Kale and Parsnips

2011-02-01T19:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I tried parsnip fries. I liked them a lot! Disappointed, though, to find out they have almost as many calories as potatoes. ( I didn't want to eat them without first knowing if they were closer in count to celery or potatoes! ) I know they are 0 points on WW, but I sure won't be able to eat them with abandon.

Still haven't found the magic food that I love that I can eat without limit. :-( And, of course, once I am a success story on WW, I will no longer have the desire to eat without stopping -- right?

I also tried the kale chips today. I like them alright, but it's kind of a big production for something that is gone in a flash. Next I will try them in soup and salad.

Every day, I consider myself lucky if I get through the danger hours of 3 to 6 pm. I know I am not alone in that. Some days I am willing to fix something, like today with the kale chips, and it's a benefit to be using up some of the time. Other days, not. So in those cases hopefully there will be something around like yogurt, frozen vegetables or frozen fruit.

My other hard time of day is between 11 and 12 noon. Today I had some sugar snap peas to get me through. I feel more successful, though, when I make myself wait until noon. Luckily I'm at work so I don't have an easy supply of temptations.

I'm staying the course

2011-01-31T06:55:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I bought a couple new things to try: kale and parsnips. I have read about making them both into chips. I didn't make them yesterday because I wasn't particularly hungry and I want to make them when I really need them.

I made a crock pot turkey chowder to use up some turkey leftovers. Will have it for lunch today. Preliminary judgment is it doesn't look so great. (When I was doling it out this morning my husband said, "that looks scary.") So, if I don't like it, I'll throw the rest away. Staying on program shouldn't be THAT disagreeable! Plus, my freezer is really full.

I wonder: why do I feel like it's a good thing if I finish out the day having eaten fewer than the required points? I guess it might just be that ingrained notion that "less is better". Or, I'm "practicing" for when my points are only 29 per day. Or, subconsciously I feel that if I'm short a few points, that will make any future indiscretion a little less damaging.

I did it! I did it!

2011-01-29T08:37:00.000-06:00

I got through the day yesterday, before the dinner out, without losing control. It's an extra challenge on Fridays, because I don't work. I went out and did a bunch of errands so that I would not be dragging around the house watching the clock.

I ended up not having any starches all day, not really by design. I had an egg and cheese for breakfast, salad with chicken for lunch, and some fruit. (Lucky for me I was not experiencing a HUNGRY DAY). For dinner I had the buffalo chicken salad, had them use grilled chicken instead and put all the sauces on the side. They even put the bleu cheese crumbles on the side, so I just skipped those since I don't care for them. And Diet Coke, which was a treat, because I haven't had any since Monday. Easy, easy, easy!

When I got home I knew I would need something before bed and so I had a bagel thin with sf preserves. That was my only starch of the day and I didn't feel guilty in the least! Oh, and I also had some frozen cherries before bed because I was still hungry. If I am very careful at a restaurant, I seem to end up leaving the table hungry.

Today is my last day before getting a new roster of weekly points; not that I usually need all of them, it just psychologically feels better to have a savings account! This week, though, because of my two indiscretions, I actually do not have any weeklies left. That's why last night was going to be such a challenge. But I did it!

Today's Dealings

2011-01-28T06:58:00.000-06:00

I have had a less than perfect week. But there still is a success in there: the couple times when I chose to eat when another choice was better...I didn't keep going into a full out binge (which is where I believe the real damage occurs). In fact, when I had finished my "indiscretion", I contemplated having a toasted bagel thin with butter (or two or three). But I didn't want the stuffed feeling, and I was already full. So I didn't do it. I will accept that as great progress for the week.

Tonight we are going out to dinner with our daughter and son-in-law. This is a challenge that I need to figure out a good routine for. Do I eat very few points all day (since I don't have any weeklies left) and take the risk of being starving at dinner? Or do I have a normal day and just eat really conservatively at dinner? I'm leaning towards eating very few points today. I have already chosen to have the cashew chicken salad from the menu and hopefully all their salads can have their dressings on the side. Who doesn't want that these days?

Like many of us, I'd just as soon avoid all challenges like this, and safely eat at home. But like it or not, they can't be avoided, and over and over I have learned that failing these challenges makes me quit. So mapping a strategy to handle these situations is number one priority.

THIS is really the defining moment

2011-01-25T15:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I had a hungry day. I think it was physical, not mental. The part that ended up leading to trouble was that I had to go to book club. Other times when I've been on plan, I ignore the snacky stuff and usually go ahead and have the dessert just for social reasons. This time, I held off for awhile and then I just felt so hungry that I dug into the chex mix. Then she baked some fresh home made cheese puffs and I had some of those. What REALLY freaked me out was when I realized the pop she gave me was regular, not diet. I realized this AFTER I had finished it. That has never happened to me ever before! And I even had the CAN! My mind was just elsewhere I guess.

Well, I didn't BINGE on those things, but I wasn't especially light-handed either. Then as is typical for me, I had to continue when I got home. I got out the pretzels that I have now thrown away, and had some of them. I looked around for other goodies but they were all locked up.

But I courageously added up all the points. And it did not use up all my weekly points. So I don't feel like I've totally blown it.

BUT WHAT I DO NOW IS REALLY THE KEY. Do I continue eating, out of disgust with myself? Or do I go on with plan AS IF nothing happened? I KNOW how to string lots and lots of good days together. But I have never known how to recover gracefully from a slip. So how I handle this little situation is really the key to my success.

An Awesome Weekend

2011-01-24T09:49:00.000-06:00

We spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday in St. Louis with our daughter, son-in-law and 6-week-old grandson. That of course is the number one excitement! But it's also exciting that I stuck totally to plan. Travel is usually a deal-breaker for me and my plan.

In some ways, this trip was easier than most. We didn't go out to eat. We were just there to see the baby and let the new parents go out by themselves a couple nights. So the challenge was not extra-ordinarily difficult, although it would have been easy to use the trip as an excuse.

We fixed them dinner on Friday and the guys had huge steaks and my daughter and I had chicken. I ended up having the leftover chicken 4 more times while we were there. The things that I resisted were: monkey bread, brownies, sweet rolls, leftover Halloween candy, take-out food from a deli, and french fries (twice). All of which I could have had, and hope to have in the future, but this time I wanted to do it differently. I brought along little baggies of garbanzo beans and also some cheese sticks. I used most of that up. I did have two fun size Twix as my allowed treat. And I had oranges and frozen vegetables on hand.

Traditionally, when I try to stay on plan when I'm traveling, I end up starving and eventually give in due to hunger. Thanks to the garbanzos and the oranges and vegetables, that was not an issue.

Oh, another big thing was the ability to weigh things. I just do better when I KNOW for sure how much I had. So I weighed stuff and felt just like I was at home. I didn't bypass the bacon, but I weighed it so I knew how many points it was. So, as soon as I am done here, I am going to order that pocket scale!

Not that I would care one way or the other, but I don't think the kids would even have known I was on-plan except that my husband mentioned it when they were talking about the take-out order. (Actually, in the past, they would have known I was NOT on plan just by how quickly the candy, chips, crackers, etc. disappeared.)

Now, why is this motivation within me now, and other times it is nowhere to be found?!

Chatty, but topic-less

2011-01-20T10:37:00.000-06:00

I want to post, but I'm not feeling inspired about a topic!

The hardest time of day for me, which I guess is pretty typical, is right after work. I actually finish work really early -- 2 PM -- so I could get into a lot of trouble if I allowed myself. Yesterday when I got home I had a cup of sugar snap peas and then an orange. We were having marinated salmon from Sam's Club for dinner so that was all taken care of. My husband was going to have leftover mashed potatoes and I decided to put on some brown rice for myself. When my husband gets home about 5:45, I start the salad. By then, the "danger" is over. I eat dinner and then usually have a snack before bed.

Now that I am doing well, it seems unbelievable that every night I was faced with binging, seemingly uncontrollable. I know that part of my success is that during the winter I don't have trouble falling asleep, and therefore don't sit or lie in bed for hours trying to resist the urge to eat.

One other thing I have had after work that really hits the spot is homemade turkey soup. Now that I have figured out a way to accurately "count" it, I feel totally comfortable having it. And it is really wonderful on these cold days.

I am excited about getting myself a pocket sized scale. I got the idea from the message boards on WW. That will help me deal with one of the remaining stress areas I have while on WW: how to count food when I eat out. I would love to weigh a pancake in a restaurant and then I could tell how many points it is!! Determining whether it is "small" or "large" or "average" is just not a good method for me. Same with something like steak. Did I really just have 3 oz. or was it closer to 6? I am not one who likes to give up food for the rest of the day, just because I ate out, so knowing exactly what I had will be very exciting for me. I generally only go out to eat with people who won't care a bit if I use the scale, and it will only take a second.

I admit it

2011-01-17T13:47:00.001-06:00

Though I have been in the past, I am not currently on an exercise program. And have no interest at the moment in getting started. But today, even though my husband actually gets offended if I shovel, there was a reason for me to partially do the job. So I'm proud to say I got some exercise -- I can see that my motivation came from getting something concrete accomplished in addition to the health benefit. For some reason I am currently resistant to the idea exercising just for its own sake.

I bought a new washing machine over the weekend (another ridiculously long story) and it was being delivered today. (What a lucky break! MLK day so I am off from work.) Time slot was 7:30-9:30 AM. (Love those early time slots that give you the whole rest of the day to be out and about! ) So due to even more snowfall yesterday, I wanted to go out and clear a pathway for the delivery crew. At 6:30 AM, the absolutely necessary part is all I did, but after the delivery was done, I went out and finished the job. Granted, it was a light snowfall, not requiring the snowblower, so it was not a huge job by any means. But I am still proud that I got some exercise.

Now we'll see how much re-work Mr. Husband does when he gets home from work. In spite of his not wanting me to shovel, I actually would have felt rather sheepish to be home all day and not take care of that relatively small shoveling job for him while he is at work.

Still not willing to jump on the exercise bandwagon just yet.

And on the food front...I got hungry around 11. When I'm at work, I make myself wait till 12 for the main lunch; if I'm totally starving I might dig into the fruit or vegetable early. Today when I got hungry I decided to have a cup of chickpeas. Yeah, it's 7 points, and I wasn't necessarily going to call it lunch, but turns out I'm not hungry yet, so we'll see what happens as the afternoon wears on.

By the way, I survived the night of the prime rib, and even had some leftovers without any problems.

Portion Paranoia

2011-01-15T08:00:00.001-06:00

You know, when things are going well, why does the evil fairy pop in with ridiculous ideas and force you to worry about them?

Today there are several. First, I made turkey soup on Thursday night. I know soup is a great filler-upper, but I have usually avoided it when I am "on plan" because I can't tell how much of anything I'm eating. But these days, when I make turkey soup, I input the ingredients on recipe builder and then I know how much I can have.

So I'm very pleased about that. This time, I even calculated by ounce, so I can vary how much a serving is, and I can eat the last little bit even if it's just a dreaded "part-serving," because I can know how much it calculates out to.

(Gone are the days when you had to individually count breads, meats, vegs! Glad for that!!)

Then the evil fairy visits when I am doing the freezing: she told me it looked like my very last freezer container had more noodles and less broth than the others. So that would mean my calculations wouldn't be accurate. And then it would blow my program.

And then, I was at Aldi buying a few things, and I looked at the nutrition information on their fake version of Crystal Light, and remembered that it is 5 cal per serving. Well, that's a lot more than 0 for water or diet coke! So then I start worrying that 8 glasses of that a day could really be throwing me off!

I know, of course, that it's the BINGING that makes the program not work, not those little things that the evil fairy is trying to stress me out about. So I am stating for the record that I WILL eat the turkey soup without concern for an inadvertent variation from one bowl to the next, and I WILL drink the 5 calories of Mix-Ade, even if it IS 8 times a day, because 40 calories a day never did and never will cause me to not lose weight. And besides, 40 calories of Mix-Ade might actually be better for me than 64 oz. of diet coke.

facing the test

2011-01-14T10:34:00.000-06:00

Special events. I admit I dread them when I am on my journey. Tonight our daughter and son-in-law are coming for dinner, so it will be a challenge.

There are a few things I will NOT do in order to make my journey easier: I will NOT delete dessert or serve something light for dessert. I might serve something healthy in addition, but in general I don't believe in subjecting my guests to my program.

We are having prime rib because that's what my husband promised our son-in-law. Last time I had it, I learned it was twice the points of chicken. So I stayed away from the leftovers. What I've decided for tonight is that I will have my 3 oz serving. That would be just 3 PP on WW if it were chicken. Tonight I will count the extra three points as part of my weekly optional PP. That way I can rationalize having the prime rib without needing to take away some food somewhere else in the day to make up for it.

I could make chicken in addition to the prime rib, but I don't feel like it. I'm not going to all that work just because I'm afraid of 3 PP. I want to get away from the feeling that this plan means extra work.

The only other difficulties will be:

1) leaving the brownies alone. I will not be sending them home with my daughter because she is doing WW too (even though she is only 125 pounds). If I can get away with it, I will throw them away. At the moment, I don't care about them at all. But I know at some point, they are going to call me.

2) dealing with the leftovers. I love prime rib, I'll have to be strong to not binge on leftovers. Last time, I froze the leftovers and eventually made baked enchiladas with them for my husband. I could have had them too, but didn't care to use my points that way.

Over the weekend we have two catered social events to go to. I really hope to just pick from fruit and vegetables if they are available and have my real meals at home.

So I have it all figured out. Have I had it all figured out in the past, and blown it by being weak in the moment? Yes, I certainly have. More than once. I fervently hope to prevail this time.

I think this post sounds cranky. I guess that's because I want so much to succeed and have done everything I can in advance to ensure success -- but I am still subject to failure when I am "in the moment."

Reflections on binging

2011-01-13T08:00:00.015-06:00

I've had a binging problem for years. But I didn't always have it. The first time I remember the urge to binge was when my mother was having a party and I wanted to eat ALL the cute little pumpernickel breads that were so deliciously buttered. I was probably about 21. Then, I remember a time during college when I was working during summer vacation and a grad student brought in a huge buffet of Korean food that his wife had made. I distinctly remember wanting to ask him if I could take all the leftovers home. I wanted to eat it all!

At that time I was not happy with my weight, but I wasn't overweight. I guess any number of factors could have taken me from binge-free to binge-indulgent. Although my big jump to obesity occurred during my first pregnancy, I had a real overeating problem before that. I think it started when I moved out to my own apartment. I'd not been raised on junk and then I started having junk. I know my early forays into WW also had a role-- though that was my fault, not WW. I became prone to the all or nothing syndrome. Either I was a perfect Weight Watcher, or I was binging in preparation for the next stint of perfection.

I just sit here and think...for my first 21 years, I was not afflicted with binging. For my first 28 years, I was not seriously overweight. I sometimes still can't believe this is how I have let my life unfold.

Just commentary

2011-01-12T06:43:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday night, I had a hungry night! Before bed I ended up having several things (healthy stuff) in order to not go to bed hungry. It caused me to dip into my weeklies just slightly.

It was not till LAST NIGHT that I realized I had made a mistake! I had not eaten the 2.5 oz potato and 2 T of light sour cream, because the potato ended up being spoiled. But I had forgotten to take them off my tracker! So I really had about 4 more points to play with and I didn't really go into my weeklies. Could be the reason I felt a little more hungry than usual at bedtime.

I'm feeling a little guilt because I am usually not getting in the milk servings. I do take calcium/D supplements, but I'm not using that as an excuse. I just don't like milk. I need to look at the list of choices again. I know I can have yogurt, cheese and cottage cheese, though it takes way too much cottage cheese for that to be a reasonable choice. For awhile I was having cheese on my egg every morning, but then wondered if cheese every day was a good idea. I'll have to take a look at the yogurts and see if I would like to include them. At this point, if I meet my daily points without the milk, it means I would have to give something up in order to include the milk. I'll have to give this some thought.

Getting filled up and stopping

2011-01-09T11:00:00.000-06:00

Most nights for dinner, I have a salad with whatever else I'm having. . . Because I feel like I'm getting more to eat than if I just have a pile of broccoli or green beans. And because I really like the salads I make. It's a good sized salad, with measured extras like bacon bits, roasted garbanzo beans for crunch, ff feta and avocado. I love it. I eat the other part of my dinner first and then the salad. What sometimes happens after the regular dinner part is finished, is I don't feel hungry enough for the salad. So I have it a little later on.

I realize that's totally normal for normal folks, but it's not normal for me.

When I am in the NOT-healthy mode, which obviously has been my mode more often than not, I just eat whatever is in front of me and hunger has nothing to do with it. My only signal to stop would be discomfort, and then, regretfully, I'd stop eating.

So. I have noticed this "urge to stop" with a great deal of interest! Just the slightest bit of a desire to NOT feel stuffed! I am way too jaded to think this is a permanent thing yet, but nevertheless, I like it!

On a related note, have you ever found that when you're in NOT-healthy mode, you just don't eat much of the fruits and vegetables? I know my salad stuff will rot in the fridge if I suddenly go into a non-healthy streak, because I just won't choose to have salad. And I'm definitely not going to do any work to eat a fruit.

I have to admit that sometimes I have even avoided eating something like a banana or some grapes when I am hungry because they would fill me up and then I wouldn't have room for as much fun stuff. What does THAT tell me about the new pointsplus with the fruits that are free!?

The dreaded OOPS

2011-01-08T07:49:00.002-06:00

Last night I had my husband give me five Hershey's kisses from the locked up stash. Mmmm, I really enjoyed them.

Then I proceeded to eat four sugar cookies that he has left sitting out for days. That's the old behavior kicking in, start with one indulgence and go on to the next... But there were two cookies left and I did not eat them. I weighed them, and then I threw them away. I calculated the pointsplus and entered them on my tracker. I used the highest number I could find for 5.2 oz. of sugar cookies and I think it was 22. But I had plenty of weekly points to afford it, even though I felt like the behavior was a real OOPS.

I WISH I had had the control to stop after the chocolate. But it is tremendous that I stopped after four cookies instead on continuing on to the leftover orzo in the fridge, the beer nuts upstairs, etc. And, thanks to have weighed the cookies (the leftover ones, so I could calculate) I knew exactly how much I'd eaten, so my tracker could tell me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

The weekly point allowance is really starting to teach me something! It is showing me how much "extra" it is reasonable to have during the week. I am the type who tries to avoid using the extras, but a few times I go over just with regular meals and I am starting to see how that can be OK, in the context of an entire week.

What I'm telling myself

2011-01-07T06:37:00.002-06:00

Last night for dinner I had a spinach orzo recipe that I found in Our Lady of Weight Loss. This is a big deal for me. I have a hard time getting past the idea that pasta is bad, bad, bad. I know it all has to do with portion size, but somehow I still see it as dangerous.

So, I had my serving last night. I added some pork sausage to it, which has always also been a no no for me. Luckily I was really tired and went to bed really early before I had time to obsess about the situation.

My fear: I'll eat the proper amount, but won't have a weight loss (which I won't really know, cuz I'm not weighing anyway!). I will stall and get discouraged and quit. And all because of pasta.

What I'm telling myself: The controlled serving of pasta, eaten four times (4 servings per recipe) will not put on as much weight as a nightly binge of untold amounts of cookies, ice cream, chips.

Still working it

2011-01-05T17:47:00.003-06:00

I am plugging along. My pants are getting loose, have to keep pulling them up. How many times have I gotten this far in the past?! Too many to count. I am still hanging my hat on the fact that this new WW is the ticket to my success. I know it is a state of mind that leads to success, and if I can keep my belief in WW I will be in good shape.

I want to believe that Points Plus really is a step beyond CALORIES as we have known them for decades, ...that it really IS important to take into account how the body processes calories, rather than just how a calorimeter burns them.

It has been a surprising relief to not be obsessing about 1500 calories vs. 2000 calories vs. 1200 calories. Instead I am just putting my fate in the hands of WW, being blissfully unaware of what my daily caloric total is.

It's a lifesaver to be able to eat fruit if I am hungry. I'm not one who will binge on fruit just because I don't have to count it. It's just such a nice feeling to know there is always something I can eat if needed.

Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope!

Post Holiday...

2011-01-03T20:23:00.002-06:00

Holidays are officially over! And I did well. I did have a holiday season a number of years ago where I did well because I was so motivated. But usually that's not the case. I am still loving the new WW. There were a couple days when I couldn't accurately track, but I know I was doing well.

Today when we returned home after a 10 hour drive, I made a quick dinner of cooked chicken from the freezer, onion and broccoli sauteed, couscous, salsa and 1 T ff cream cheese. It was satisfying and did the trick!

On the road, we stopped for fast food several times. Once I had a double cheeseburger and once a Whopper Junior. I also had chili a couple times. My emergency bag of food included oranges, bananas, roasted chickpeas, edamame and some cheese sticks. I found I was very successful with filling up on those things when I was hungry and the available meals hadn't been enough.

Please, let this continue!

I'm liking WW

2010-12-21T18:20:00.002-06:00

I have to say, I do like the new WW plan! I never have to worry about running out of points because I can always have fruits and vegetables. I just feel very good about how well it works for me personally. It's been kind of fun to see how things are different.

The New Weight Watchers

2010-12-05T21:26:00.003-06:00

I just happened to look at the WW site right after Thanksgiving and I saw that they were launching a new program. I really wasn't expecting anything till the first of the year, so I was really excited! Over the last few years, I have tried to do the points but it just hasn't been right for me. I have always had success with calorie counting, but I have gotten bored with it and lately have been psyching myself out worrying over whether I'm having too much or too little. But I am pumped by the new points plus program! It seems to be coming out at just the right time for me! I can't tell by looking at the points how many calories I am having, so I can't obsess about it!

My Latest Theory

2010-10-15T15:55:00.002-05:00

I have started doing something new. I am giving myself permission to buy some things when they're not on sale or don't, in the strictest sense, need them.

If I'm at the store and I want a bag of oranges, but I'm not sure if they are on sale somewhere else, I might buy them anyway. Getting them at another store requires a lot more time, and I may not end up getting them at all. I love avocado and if I run out I am very sad. I am learning to pick one up at the nearest store rather than WAIT and get it where it is cheapest. (These are true life examples).

I have bought some shoes that coordinate with outfits. I have always been the type who has basic black, brown or white to go with everything and considered it "excess" to have more than that.

Today I saw a stylish purse. Usually I have a basic one for summer and for winter. But I bought this one because it was more fun and less boring. It did happen to be on sale, not sure I could have bought it for full price.

My thinking is this: if I indulge myself in some of these ways, maybe I won't feel it's so necessary to indulge in food treats. The bag of chips is a lot cheaper than the shoes, but of course in the long run it is a lot more expensive when you think of how I've suffered all these years.

Realization

2010-09-28T07:00:00.004-05:00

This week I have three eating-out-occasions. For those of us on a "program", I know this is always a challenge. Because there are so many occasions (for me) this week, it has been on my mind more. I am struck by the dual nature of the challenge.

There is the tension over, "can I control myself, will I control myself?"

But the realization that surprises me (though it shouldn't) is how bereft I feel that I cannot enjoy these events the way that I want to. That's an entirely different stress than just wondering about how I'll handle myself. I know all the right things to tell myself and to do in advance to succeed, and I will. I'm just disappointed by yet another realization of food's magnetic pull.

Hunger and the urge to eat

2010-09-17T07:16:00.002-05:00

As most of you would probably agree, after blogging over a year, it's hard to post about a realization that is new. Rather, they are realizations that occur, fade, and then reappear. Right?

Last night, we had plans to go somewhere after dinner, so we had to eat and get going. Coincidentally, I had come home from work really hungry, and it was persistent even after I had my usual after-work snack. So I had several servings of California Blend vegetables. When it came time to eat dinner, I just wasn't ready, knew I would enjoy it more if I could wait a half hour or so. But that wasn't a possibility. So it goes.

This made me realize that when I am not on my plan, I never even think about hunger, I am ready and willing to eat anytime, anywhere. Sometimes I have even been known to bemoan (to myself) that the food is kind of flavorless -- and it's because I'm not hungry!

As I said, nothing new here. But it did remind me that my body DOES have the capacity to tell me I am full, even though often I don't believe it.

AND -- I survived another night without and evening/night binge!!!

Who knows?? I sure don't.

2010-09-16T15:11:00.003-05:00

Today there was a coffeecake with powdered sugar icing sitting in my office. I was in the office with it alone. People came in every now and then to have a piece. It didn't bother me a bit and I didn't take any. Now why is it that sometimes I just cannot let the stuff sit there, and in fact am the one who eats it till it's gone??? Why can I sometimes resist it even though it's driving me crazy? I never know what to expect!

Emerging

2010-09-15T07:13:00.004-05:00

I awaken again to the knowledge that I did not blow my plan last night. It wasn't as easy as the night before, but I prevailed.

I hope I am coming out of the fog. I am venturing into an analogy that I really have no business making, but here goes. I think it may be like an alcoholic deciding to stop drinking. For days, weeks, years, they can be on a bender (I assume) and then, probably with help (again, I assume), they make the decision to turn things around.

I am cautious in making that statement because I really don't know how it works for alcoholics. Although I haven't grown up with any alcoholics, and don't like alcohol myself, my family-of-origin had several alcoholics, including my birth father, uncle and grandfather. My theory is that, while I didn't become alcoholic, I instead developed an issue with food. And the powerful genetics that (I assume) fueled their alcoholism may also fuel my food issue.

I've made that comparison to myself many times, but it wasn't until I thought about this post that I realized how closely the two parallel:

I had no food issue, no obsessive interest in food as a child. Similarly, an alcoholic as a child does not know that he/she will grow up to have a problem with alcohol.

I couldn't have been more surprised when overeating/obesity became a major problem in my adult years.

Not sure exactly how this is helpful, but it is on my mind because I just feel like I am coming to my senses and coming out of a fog. And in no way do I suggest that I am unable to control/change this even if it is a result of genetics.

I think I feel the fear that I believe (I assume) recovering alcoholics must feel that results in them being so regularly involved in a program such as AA in order to prevent relapse. I did a 4th (5th? I don't recall) step seminar as part of OA, not knowing that it would include all types of 12 step members. There, I could just feel how essential the program was to the recovering alcoholics in the group. I feel the same desperation to cling to some anchor now as I tentatively climb out of my fog.

A good day

2010-09-14T07:25:00.003-05:00

I had a successful day yesterday. I have not given up on understanding myself. What worked yesterday was to NOT add up my calories before I went to bed. If they had been on the low side I would have felt I needed to eat something, etc. etc. etc. and somehow, starting to eat at night is a deal-killer for me. Maybe today I'll add them up.

That's all for now. It just feels good to get up this morning knowing that last night was not a disaster.

Whew! Got past Day One

2010-08-23T22:16:00.003-05:00

Well, I got through the infamous first day back at work with my added pounds on display for all to see. I have no idea what people thought or didn't think, and I'm glad it's over and done with. I myself noticed a few people who seemed to have put on some pounds over the summer -- so I know people do notice things like that. But I got myself into this mess so I just have to deal with it. And the eating has been fine today. Book Club tonight and I chose to not eat any of the dessert, I just feel too tenuous to try moderation with sweets right now.

Feeling flawed

2010-08-20T08:31:00.002-05:00

Thank you for everyone's kind and true comments yesterday. Sheilagh, I make the pledge to join you.

I think my dreaded weeks ahead are the perfect illustration of: "You make your bed, you lie in it." All the pain to come is self-caused. No sense to beat myself up about it, but it's true nonetheless.

There is a group of ladies that I used to walk with on Fridays. A couple of them are even runners. I never really enjoyed it because they are faster walkers and I hated hated hated slowing them down. I don't care if they said it didn't bother them, it bothered me, and I'm pretty sure the additional time it took with me along caused a problem for some of them. So eventually I quit going. Every once in awhile they would call me to join them for lunch after the walk. Today is one of those days and I haven't seen them for probably a year. I am so dreading it. Yes, they are friends and not one of them will feel smug over my failing, but I will still be so humiliated. And the hard truth is that I deserve to feel that way because I didn't gain weight accidentally. There are consequences to your actions...

What specifically bothers me most right now is that both of my knees are hurting. It used to be one or the other. Right now, I cannot bend the left one to do stairs. I can do stairs, but I have to keep the left leg stiff. I have avoided seeing a doctor because I don't want to hear that the weight is causing or at least aggravating the pain. Now here is the part that makes me a freak of nature: There is not a knee stabilizer sold that will fit me. (Not that such a thing would even help me. but knowing that there is nothing on the market (save custom) that will fit my knees is so humiliating. That means my knees are bigger than the biggest jock's). My knees are huge, always have been, even when I haven't been overweight. It is a source of deep embarrassment. There is and always has been a lot of flesh on the inner side of the knee, which is where the extra inches come in, I think. I feel like a freak around my family because my husband has normal knees and so do my three kids. I am adopted so I have never felt biological kinship with anyone else who had the same horrible knees. I know I am not expressing this in a very coherent fashion, but if I go back and try to organize it, I know I will just delete it all.

Is it any wonder that cookies or lasagna or chocolate are such comfort? To me it makes perfect sense.

I am afraid

2010-08-19T10:26:00.002-05:00

I have have been off work for the summer and have unfortunately put on some weight. (Very sad for someone trying to lose weight). I cannot describe the dread I feel about going back to face everyone. I think the additional pounds have launched me to a place where I look a lot worse (saw myself in a mirror at a store yesterday). I have actually considered quitting just to avoid the emotional trauma. I know you all the know the feeling of being so overwhelming uncomfortable in your own skin, that's with you every second of the day. I could handle this weight when I was younger. Now, it's having a serious impact on my knees and....you know the story on that. Some people are not easily embarrassed or humiliated. But I am not one of those. I'm in a very sad place.

Getting Away with Something

2010-08-18T10:11:00.004-05:00

Isn't there some universal appeal to "getting away with something" or getting something for free?

For overweight people it seems well known that resisting free food is really hard. And eating in secret is common too.

For others, getting away with something might be taking a sick day to go shopping, or wearing a dress for an event and then returning it.

Sometimes there's a thrill or adrenaline rush that goes along with it.

I think that's what my night time eating is all about! It's like I'm telling some superpower: "you made me behave all day; now, when the lights are low and no one knows, I'm going to make up for it. But the World will still think I'm normal and in control." So I think I'm getting away with something.

Except I'm not, really.

Could I be getting a thrill from the night time eating? Maybe I need more thrills during the daytime hours? Something to think about.

Reflection

2010-08-17T15:47:00.002-05:00

I had what was, for me, a strange lunch today. It was two servings of leftover mashed potatoes (240 Cal). They are left over from a couple nights ago, and my husband has not wanted them. Normally, what would happen is that I would eat my healthy lunch. But eventually I'd eat those leftover potatoes rather than throw them away, because I really like them. So it's a success that I had them for lunch. I know the diet police would have lots to say about that -- too carby, too salty, possibly too fatty, not balanced. Well, I'd be concerned too, if I ate that way every day. But knowing me as I do, it's a tremendous success to have incorporated those potatoes into my plan. Because...one way or another...I would have eaten them.

Just a note

2010-08-16T07:17:00.002-05:00

Guess I'm not quite into the daily posting currently, but that's okay. The last week or so, I have not had trouble getting to sleep. It is amazing how much that limits my calories for the day. I wish I had some control over the sleeplessness. Don't we all.

I have been practicing with not measuring most foods. Hoping that will tame my obsessiveness. Prevent the all or nothing mentality. I still measure my salad dressing for my own peace of mind but otherwise I'm trying to relax a bit.

Thoughts

2010-08-05T09:12:00.003-05:00

The last couple days have been up and down. In the late evening, when suddenly, binging totally seems like the correct thing to do, I have been trying to quietly listen to that part of my mind that says, "Go for it!!"

Last night I avoided a binge by taking a sleeping pill (again, I don't do this very often).

During the day I had:

--tapioca pudding

--ham and cheese sandwich on a flatbread

--four servings of sour cream mashed potatoes (Simply Potatoes Brand, so I was actually able to count the calories)

--2 cookies

Total calories were only about 1300. (Lower than what I aim for, but...can't explain exactly why I just went to bed instead of foraging.)

Four servings of potatoes sounds terrible. But you know what? It was what I wanted. My totals for the day were fine (though on the low side) and I felt satisfied with the potatoes. I think that was a lot better than having one serving and having a a vague feeling of denial for the rest of the evening, leading eventually to a binge.

I totally embrace the idea of reasonable serving sizes, but since that sometimes causes problems for me, I am trying other approaches, like having more than a serving of something that I really want.

I have a developing theory about carbs. My husband has been a type 2 diabetic for 2 years now and this has caused me to delve deeper into the carb conversation. I have decided (rightly or wrongly) that the "evil" of carbs varies depending on the person. I have tested my blood sugar after a total blow-out with carbs, and I don't even go over 100. I'm not suggesting this means carbs have no effect on me, or that excess carbs are a good idea, just that different people have different reactions.

I am trying to make some sort of peace with carbs -- since avoiding them just drives me nuts.

I know that I have to be careful, since if I make up a batch of rice and lentils (a recipe I have been dying to try), I could easily eat all of it. But I also don't think that I have to limit myself to a measly half cup. I have been the poster matron for eating all the right things (tons of vegetables, the proper number of fruits, limited bread, and balanced food groups at each meal) and that always backfires -- so will see where this leads...

Nothing Special

2010-08-01T22:16:00.003-05:00

I survived last night with no additional food, except for some strawberries. I had the assistance of a sleeping pill, worth it every now and then.

I re-read yesterday's post and man, it was pretty hard to understand, even for me! Sorry!

Tonight I am at 1350 calories. Still a little lower than I would like, may have something more.

Tonight our son and girlfriend were over for dinner, so I did not weigh my food, but took normal servings. It worked out OK. I have a hard time with that -- I feel at loose ends if I can't put an exact number on what I ate.

Another Day

2010-07-31T23:28:00.002-05:00

Another day concludes. My hours of highest challenge are approaching. I'm not particularly at risk tonight, I don' t think. My eating isn't exactly falling into breakfast lunch dinner like I'm used to when I am eating "right." When I am altogether off kilter, I don't have meals either, I'm just constantly eating all day. Today I ate a yogurt around 10 am. Then we were off to see someone in the hospital so I ate a wrap and some cherries on the way. When we got home, I had some of the special chocolate mousse that I make (about 130 cal). For dinner we had baked potato, salad and pork. Just now I had a serving of crunchy corn bran, a real trigger food for me. I just bought it today, took out one serving and I had my husband lock up the rest. (Sick, sick, sick). It comes in at 1200 calories. That's overachieving, and not enough for me, but I really hope to not eat anymore tonight.

Thoughts

2010-07-30T23:08:00.004-05:00

I am hanging in there. This morning I had.....pancakes for breakfast! Again, something forbidden. I haven't had those in I don't know how long. The amount I had was 200 calories. I normally have oatmeal or egg for breakfast. But today I just felt like having pancakes so I had them. To a normal person that is no big deal. To me, it is a tremendous event.

I think I am going to be cranky on the subject of "forbidden things" for awhile yet. So that's a warning for anyone who doesn't like to read negative stuff. I think a lot of my overeating is backlash .... over not having had the food I really want, or over not having something else that I really wanted in my life. That is not a new thought to me...or to anyone else. And acknowledging that fact doesn't automatically lead to a solution either.

I will be back at school in another month. Doesn't it seem strange that in the 13 years I have been there, I have never brought a regular sandwich for lunch? Because I have internalized that regular sandwiches are not good for you, and especially in recent years, that the carbs are a bad idea. And yet, normal weight people all around me bring sandwiches. A lot of other people bring the 300 calorie frozen entrees. That's also frowned on by the health purists, but guess what, the people who eat them are normal weight too. I think it's time for me to realize that being fanatically healthy in my eating habits is not the ticket to reaching my goal.

Rules

2010-07-29T17:21:00.003-05:00

I did survive last night successfully. Once I went to bed, I was finally hungry, after not having been hungry all day. I ate a high fiber wrap and 1 oz. left over chicken and that was it. Mercifully, I was able to go to sleep without problem.

Today I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. I have not permitted myself to have one in YEARS. But that's what I felt like. It came in at only 200 calories, so why is that such a horrible thing to have?

For dinner I am going to be really daring. I am having spaghetti (and salad). The only time I have spaghetti is when I am off plan because the tiny amounts allowed "on plan" aren't enough. Tonight I am going to have one cup cooked spaghetti. I know I will still be within calories for the day, after accounting for an evening snack. I am not planning a meat with the spaghetti, but may decide to have a boca burger if I want it.

I like fruit and vegetables so I'm not worried that I didn't have any WITH lunch. I won't be avoiding them. In the past, I have sometimes been so obsessed with fruits and vegs that I got completely and totally sick of them. Never in my life have I had a problem getting fruits and vegs in, so I don't think I need to account for them so much.

I feel that this sounds a little feisty. I think I am chafing under the rules, rules that I am breaking today within limits.

No food issue today

2010-07-28T23:59:00.002-05:00

Here is what today was like. I did not eat all day. (I know that is not good, but I was not hungry, and food was not calling me). This sometimes happens when the previous day/night involved overeating.

I had dinner with my husband at 6 PM: chicken, salad. That's all I felt like having. Now it's before bed, and the big dangerous time. I had some popcorn and a pudding. I hope hope hope that I can go to sleep. If I have to be awake for the next 6 hours...well, that's why there is a problem.

I am filled with wonder when a day like today happens, where I am not hungry. I wish that feeling could be permanent.

Note: I know my calories for today are not enough, but I can't see eating when I don't feel hungry (which just doesn't happen very often).

Summary: I know it's not stellar as far as nutrition, but I am thrilled for a day where I did not overeat. Tune in tomorrow to see if the night proved to be a problem.

Well...

2010-07-22T09:08:00.003-05:00

I don't know if this is typical or not, but even though I haven't posted, I have visited the blogs daily.

From my first mis-step in November, my eating has been up-down-up-down. So that means I have been generally feeling down myself. As a shy, retiring person, this lack of control causes me to go out less and less because I don't want to be seen.

I think I might obsess more about eating when I am OFF plan than when I am ON plan. I believe this is a byproduct of 30 years of dieting. I think when I am off plan, I am striving to consume whatever I don't eat allow myself when I am on plan. (I know the key is to incorporate those foods into my plan, but...)

I have watched three friends/relatives reach their goals as I have fumbled around. This is very discouraging and embarrassing.

I have had many good days over the past two months and a few good nights. I am plagued by sleeplessness that rules the night. Eventually I turn into a different person and give in by eating. I have ruined many a good day (most) by this night time eating.

I have been off work for the summer. So I now dread going back to work having put on weight. Not to mention that I will have to buy some get-by clothes. We are traveling in August to a Jackson Browne concert in St. Louis and then will go on to Memphis, where my husband wants to show me around. I haven't mentioned to him how hard it will be for me to walk in all that heat.

In St. Louis we will be seeing our daughter, who we haven't seen since February, and I am humiliated for her to see me like this. I am also humiliated by seeing my local son and daughter, who had commented on my weight loss before I started sliding.

I'm a classic case of something, but I don't know what.

Thank you Sheilagh!

2010-05-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

Thank you to Sheilagh for the Oh my Blog Award! There are a few requirements I need to meet, which I will work on as soon as I can! Tomorrow I am entering three weeks of exam administration but I will check in when I can. Thank you so much, Sheilagh, I appreciate the acknowledgement!

Beads

2010-05-03T09:35:00.003-05:00

OK, I give up. I've been searching around and I cannot find the posts of a couple people who recently wrote about using beads to chronicle their daily success with not bingeing, staying within points, etc. Can someone help me out? I saw a cashier at the store with a lovely beaded necklace and I'd love to give this a try. I want this to be of "quality", so I'm wondering if beads from JoAnn's or Michaels are good enough, or if there is a higher end source I should be using. I'm totally new to the idea!

Color vs. Black and White

2010-04-30T07:38:00.002-05:00

I don't want to feel this way, but it just is how I feel right now. You know how there is a big difference between black & white and color in photographs or TV ? Lately, my healthy food has been feeling black & white. I don't know why. The color food is restaurant food, fast food, bakery goods, packaged foods. For example I totally did not enjoy my baked potato, cottage cheese and spinach topped with ranch dressing this week. I don't know if I'm just ruined by having experienced junk food eating, or what. I didn't used to feel this way, except that after awhile I would get tired of the healthy food and want a break. But in the past I have always enjoyed the healthy food. This week I have been so uninspired by healthy food that I haven't fixed a main course at all. I've had popcorn after work, then a salad (which I still like) and then some Light Harvest Soup.

At the moment I want to be one of the people who have lost all their weight on packaged food. I want to eat packaged meals, but it conflicts with what I believe. It's kind of like, you really DO want to eat meat on Friday, but your religion forbids it.

I really want to allow myself to some of my favorites, which aren't exactly UNhealthy, like graham crackers with peanut butter, saltine crackers, and cereal (I like healthy cereal). But I am afraid of eating IT ALL. That's the eating disorder part of this. I want to have it but I can't have it sitting in the house. UGH.

So THAT'S where I am at this morning.

Small change

2010-04-24T19:12:00.002-05:00

Tonight, as I dished up my plate for dinner, I realized something, small but important. I automatically cut the baked potato in half before putting on my plate. A big, whole baked potato just looked like too much for me to eat. I've weighed my meals for a long time; I always weigh out 3 or 4 oz. of baked potato. Tonight I decided not to weigh my food, but nevertheless I just couldn't take a whole potato, it just seemed like a huge amount. (I have historically ALWAYS taken a whole potato, for years and years). So although I'm not doing so well overall on my program right now, I'm seeing what looks like a lifetime change in that one area.

Guess what? Nothing. Same subject :-)

2010-04-21T21:11:00.003-05:00

Too soon to say, but I somehow feel that my daily bike riding has an effect on my urge to binge. Wouldn't that be lovely? Sort of like my system is getting all tuned up and somehow I inherently turn away from overloading myself with food because it will take away that streamlined feeling I get from having been out riding. I don't know if that makes sense and I don't know if it's even true.

I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about my darn biking! This week I have ridden to and from work. I won't always be able to do that; in fact after next week I won't be able to, because I'll be involved in exams for three weeks and I'll be having tons of stuff to carry with me, not to mention that I will need to go from school to the test site and back quickly.

Here is something I cannot believe. Today I went to the bike store and bought a rack for the back of my bike. When I got home I discovered the bag with parts had a hole in it, but it didn't seem like anything was missing. We tried to figure out how to put it on. The darn rack doesn't even come with instructions! We looked some up on the internet but they were very poor and generic. In the back of my mind, I was wondering if missing parts were causing us to not get it put together. So I went back to the bike store to check the other racks to see if the parts were the same, which they were. Then I asked an employee if she could show me how to put the rack on. She really couldn't, so she took me in the back where they were tuning up bikes and asked one of the guys to show me. When I got home, it occurred to me how incredible that was -- I was in a room full of guys and asking questions. I couldn't quite believe it! I avoid that kind of situation at all costs. Sure, once she led me in there, I couldn't have gotten out of it, but I didn't feel self-conscious for some reason, and really didn't pay any attention to the guys except for the one who was showing me how to put the rack on.

Back to the urge to binge... another theory of why I haven't had the urge to binge the last few days with all the biking is this: I have worked off my nervous energy through the biking and therefore the urge doesn't need to be dissipated by eating. Again, wouldn't it be cool if that were true! If this turns out to be true, it would be one more GREAT reason to bike ride -- getting fit, burning calories AND losing the urge to binge. For now, I will hope it's true...

Bikes and Yoga and Arugula

2010-04-18T10:01:00.005-05:00

I have now mastered going around the lake twice. I attempted it on my own, without my husband, because I didn't want to (potentially) hear any smug comments from him about how he used to do three to four times around on a daily basis! Twice around was no problem for me, I know I could do three, that would only be a matter of whether I wanted to spend that much time. There are three other lakes in close proximity to this one, and the bike paths are continuous. I will have to branch out to the second lake one of these days.

Never, ever would I have guessed that biking could be easier than walking. It doesn't hurt my knees and I don't have to psych myself up to do it. When it gets hotter, it might still be better than walking because I'll be creating my own breeze, plus it doesn't necessarily have to take as long as walking. And just think, a few weeks ago I was afraid to tell my husband that I wanted to get a bike because I thought the likelihood of mastering it was probably pretty small.

Remember how I have my husband locking up his treats? I now actually think he is enjoying doing so, because he knows his stuff won't be gone. So far, when I've been weak, if I ask for some of his stuff, he gives it to me. The other day, I got firm with myself and with him and told him, no matter how I beg, or how mad I get, he is not to give me anything. Yesterday, I tested him when he was eating some almonds while we were out in the back yard, and he walked over to give me some. I told him NO, it's a test, and I cannot have any. I know plain almonds (which these weren't) in the right amount are healthy, but that's not the point. Poor guy, he can never be sure if I really want the treat or really DON’T want it.This morning, I found one cinnamon sugar donut by his bedside. (Sometimes he is too lazy to lock things up at bedtime.) I flushed it down the toilet. If he even notices, I am not sure what I will tell him. He'd actually prefer that I ate it rather than flushed it.

The gentle yoga class that I am taking with a friend is extremely gentle. I know I can handle more than that. But going through this class might give me a better idea of what I can handle, so I can decide what to do next. There is a yoga shop opening a half block from my home; I will have to see what they offer and if they are affordable.

I planted some arugula seeds indoors earlier this week, and now have set them out to see how they do outdoors. Last year I had so much fun harvesting just what I was going to use for each day. I did buy arugula from the store during the winter, but not sure I will do so next winter. It is so expensive, which I could live with if I got to eat it all, but it gets all yucky before I can finish it, even when I have a salad every day. I wish they'd sell half the quantity for half the price.

Lots to do today

2010-04-16T08:55:00.002-05:00

It's my day off and I woke today with lots of mental energy to get things done! Woohoo! I would have ridden my bike first thing this morning, but it was still dark so I got started on putting away Easter stuff, cleaning out the bedroom closet, completing the shift from winter to summer clothes, etc. etc. Later I am going to drop a load off at the Value Village, shop at a different thrift shop for some things to ride bike in, go to JoAnn's to look at fabric and knitting stuff. Can you tell my mind is going full speed? My husband will come home early today and then we'll ride bikes. He's trying to get me to ride around the lake twice (3 miles one time around and one mile to the lake). I know I can do it, I still have this chintzy attitude about not doing any more exercise than I have to. One day soon I know I will be doing the lake twice and that will certainly help. I'm still a little tentative on my steering especially when I have to go slow or when I have to navigate a narrow space or turn a corner, but I know I'll get better with time. So, this has had nothing to do with eating, but I guess that's a good thing if that is NOT on my mind for a change.

Resurfacing

2010-04-11T10:45:00.004-05:00

Wow. When I shut down, I shut down. I have been following blogs every day and commenting some, but the urge to write has just been caput. My mind has been steadily on the subject of weight loss, though. As always, it is the elephant in my mind.

I rode my bike every day during spring break. I did not ride it to work last week though because I had lots of work to carry and my balance it not good enough yet to risk carrying a load. I am quite surprised that it is overall easier to bike than to walk -- in terms of suffering pain in my legs and feet. Although, when you think about it, it's not really surprising.

One thing that kept me from biking was my fear of being seen. That's an obstacle I face in many aspects of my life, but was truly a deal-stopper for a long time with biking. So far, I feel blissfully anonymous when I ride over to the lake and around. I think it's because I have on a helmet and sunglasses and so far am covered up with long pants and a jacket. I know that last part will have to change soon, and I'm a little nervous about that. Okay, a lot nervous about that. Even if I didn't have weight to lose, my legs are unsightly large. (Yes, I will be grateful that I can walk and bike thanks to my legs!) So far I have totally blanked out what it must look like to see me from behind. (Ugh). I told a friend who has been out of town for the winter that I had bought a bike. She is a little older than I, and it was not a big deal to her. That made me realize yet again how cut off from normal life I have been because of things I COULDN'T do (or thought I couldn't do) due to weight.

I've also noticed that I am willing (not that I have a choice) to bike up a few slight inclines, which causes me to huff and puff a bit. But when I rode my stationary bike, I was unwilling to set a resistance that caused me to huff and puff. I am not sure why I am willing to put up with the exertion when I'm in the real world, but not when I'm doing faux biking.

This week a friend and I are starting a Gentle Yoga class for seniors. A couple years ago we took a pilates class. It was difficult, but worthwhile. But the abilities of the younger people were a bit daunting. I haven't given up hope that when I get to normal weight, I can forget about senior classes for awhile longer and join again with the "population at large". For now, we are trying to avoid embarrassment. So often that is the motivator!!

Biking II

2010-03-30T09:57:00.004-05:00

I bought a bike on Saturday. I have been riding it every day since. It is sobering how I can't just hop on and be where I was the last time I rode bike (over 20 years ago). I don't mean stamina, I mean simply controlling the bike! Each day is better, though, so there is hope. I actually wiped out when I was test riding the bikes. I was pulling my leg back over to get off the bike. I don't know if it was because of the bar, or because my leg doesn't flex as quickly as I remember, or if my balance is just overall poorer, but I fell and skidded my hand across the blacktop.

I am quietly ecstatic because for awhile I wondered if I truly would be able to ride a bike again. Thank goodness for the non-racing bikes that are more like what I remember from the past. I am hoping that on some days I can bike to work. I am on spring break, so today I did a test run. It's only two miles away. I actually would not park at the school, but at a church two blocks away that we use for testing. I would be too afraid of vandalism at the school. I did just fine, but today did not carry anything with me so will still have to try that out.

Biking

2010-03-21T14:41:00.003-05:00

I looked at bikes today. I actually walked, my overweight self, into a bike shop and looked at bikes. I have been afraid to do that, afraid that the staff would have to find a kind way to tell me that I was too heavy for a bike. The sales person suggested I take a spin around the block, so I took the bike outside. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep my balance, since it's been years since I rode a bike. But I did. To my surprise, my husband has reacted positively to my wanting a bike. I thought he would say it would be just one more thing I would buy and not use. And he started talking about putting the bikes on a bike rack and riding the trails over at our son's house! I think he's looking forward to riding with me! I didn't get one today, I feel the need to look at a few more models. But it's a step in the right direction!

Any suggestions?

2010-03-18T09:58:00.002-05:00

I really do want to get a bicycle this spring. I don't want a racing bike where I have to lean over and it will have to be one that can handle 200 pounds. Are there some that are "low profile", riding closer to the ground?? Seems like the famous Ruby rides one like that. It's been years since I rode a bike regularly, but I used to do it a lot and it's something my husband would love to have me do with him. Does anyone have any suggestions about a bike they love?

In all things, opportunity

2010-03-14T09:05:00.002-05:00

I have spent the last week sulking, moping, and dragging my feet. I've been reading blogs, commenting a little, but just not feeling it for creating a post. The last week or so, I have picked up sudoku puzzles again. I worked them a year or so ago and I find them strangely fun, rewarding, and relaxing. Until I get stuck. I had never gotten past the middle range of difficulty, though I read a lot of the technique books etc.

This time, I have been able to apply a few things that my friend had taught me in the past, that I hadn't been able to get the knack of applying in the past. I also called her on Friday and we worked through a puzzle that I had been stuck on. In so doing, I committed to permanent memory one more technique for solving.

See, I totally understand the techniques when I read them, but when faced with a puzzle I can't always retrieve a technique from my memory banks when I need it. But this go-round, I could feel that these techniques are MINE FOREVER. As proof of this, last night I worked a sudoku from the daily paper that was marked 5 stars and I solved it!! First time I've ever completed one of those difficult ones! I did have to start over on a new grid, because the first time, as I entered the last number I found a mistake.

I think it's obvious where I'm headed with this. If I keep trying on this weight loss thing, I'm bound to be able to eventually apply something that I've learned, that hasn't click in the past.

THAT TRUTH IN AND OF ITSELF IS A GOOD REASON TO NEVER EVER GIVE UP! Who would think that sudoku could offer a profound lesson?

Mildly irked

2010-03-05T14:37:00.002-06:00

This evening is the dinner with two of my kids (and SO's) that was postponed last Friday because my daughter was sick. I am planning a spinach salad that has a poppy seed dressing. Knowing how my kids love packaged stuff, I decided I would buy a poppy seed dressing because they would probably like it better than what I had made. Ick! The one I bought is HORRIBLE and it was over $4! It's too thick and tastes kind of gummy, certainly doesn't have a fresh springtime taste. I hate wasting money, and now I have to hurry and get to making another batch of my own!

Aftermath

2010-03-03T07:04:00.002-06:00

I do very whole-heartedly thank everyone who commented on my last post. I really appreciate and am comforted by the support.

Naturally, I am getting used to the reality of that darn picture (not the posted one), but it literally feels like a weight on my psyche.

My best hope is that someday it will make a wonderful "before" picture.

I am predictably disgusted with myself because I could have had so much more progress at this point if I hadn't had the set backs.

And the reason the progress would have been especially wonderful at this point in time is that we are going in to the spring exam session at school, where I have to be way more "on display" than usual. Worst case, in May sometimes I have to be the one administering the exam and being the focal point for 80 or so high school students. UGH. I've done this for 12 years and I dread it every year. Of course, my size is not a surprise to anyone at the school, duh. But to me it's a major stress point every testing season. After 12 years, I could have easily reached goal weight if I'd really been serious about avoiding the May time trauma.

I'm in shock

2010-02-28T16:57:00.000-06:00

I freaked myself out today, but that was NOT the plan. I'm way more upset than I thought I'd be by my experience of picture posting. The posted picture is from when I started blogging during the summer. On the second one (which I didn't post), I'm not sure I can see any difference, even though I've lost weight. On the second one I wore tighter clothing so that my actual body shape would be more obvious (of course it's not at all flattering, and I never go out in public like that). Maybe it is the trick of clothing style, but I can't see the progress. I was so demoralized by the picture that I couldn't post it. I'm still reeling from the shock of it all....that I could have been working that hard and you'd never know it from the picture. Still, I have to have lost weight, I DID get rid of larger sizes and I am wearing smaller clothes. Just a size or two depending on the brand of course, but definitely clothes I couldn't wear when I started. It almost seems that I've been imagining that I lost weight. I ask myself, did I do more damage over the holidays than I thought??? If seeing my picture on my blog freaked me out enough that I had to move it to the bottom, I've obviously got issues! Oh my. I hope I'll probably be recovered by tomorrow.

There always comes a time

2010-02-27T22:04:00.002-06:00

I've been through this enough times before. I know when I'm starting to get results, even if I don't weigh. And I'm there. I don't know if I've totally recovered totally yet from my problems over the holidays, but I'm getting that good physical feeling of having shed SOMETHING, and I'm feeling the excitement of taking over from where I left off in December. I am really chagrined about the three months I lost, but...oh well.

Today I made lentil soup for my lunches this week. If I want to on any particular day, I'll add chicken or other leftover meat. Along with it I'll have probably sugar snap peas and either clementines or an orange.

It's been an easy eating day today. Thank God those happen every once in awhile. Still have to navigate the final hurdle, actually getting to sleep without eating any more food, but hopefully that will be uneventful.

Sunshine Award x 2 and Update

2010-02-26T13:45:00.016-06:00

I am pleased to have received the Sunshine Award from Anne H at Carb Tripper. Thanks, Anne!

(I just posted this and discovered that Deb over at deb will be thin has also honored me with this award. Thank you so much, Deb, I appreciate it so much!)

I have decided to award this to one person, Zaa at Zaababy -- the Incredible Shrinking Woman, whose recent post has, I think, fueled my motivation for days to come.

In her February 23 post, Zaa wrote, "Can it be possible to lose weight without the agony? Is there really hope?" She answered "Yes".

What I got from that was a renewed knowledge that I get to make the rules about what will work for me! It made me take a look at some of the things I have cut out of my diet that are really quite harmless, or at least would go a long way to making me feel I wasn't being kept after school if I could just have them sometimes. And if I enjoyed some of these things again, it might bring some sunshine back into my plan so that I will continue progressing towards my ultimate goal.

So I can't stop thinking about that, and it's a good thing!

Last night, for sure I would have been in big trouble if all the treats had not been locked up. When I went to bed, I was a little hungry and my knee was bothering me. But there was nothing good in the house that was accessible for me to get into. Since I WAS hungry, I regretfully had some yogurt and went back to bed.

I think this locking up business might be very valuable! I am being forced to learn that the world does not end if I don't get big reward at the end of the day. The trauma of disappointment doesn't last forever and I woke up no worse for the wear in the morning. Maybe I'll learn the lesson well enough that eventually I can just leave the treats alone at night because I know I don't need them.

Our birthday dinner tonight was postponed tonight because our daughter went home sick from work. She caught the bug (we are sure) from our son-in-law in St. Louis last weekend, so it's obviously very contagious. Neither of us wants it, and I have the busiest time of my work year coming up starting March 7 so I especially don't want it.

I made her favorite dessert, but it can be frozen, so we'll have it next weekend. I bought a couple boxes of crackers to have with cheese, and they cost so much I don't think I'll eat those and have to buy them all over again! There isn't anything else "unsafe" around so I'm not worried.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Aversion Therapy and also tomorrow night challenge

2010-02-25T18:51:00.004-06:00

One of my all-time favorite foods is chicken. I never get tired of it. I can easily binge on my home baked bisquick chicken or on KFC or grocery store fried chicken.

But at some point during the time I've been blogging, I had an unpleasant experience with grocery store fried chicken. As I was eating and got towards the bone, I swear it tasted like chlorine bleach. I haven't researched it, but I suspect some if not all processors bathe their chicken in bleach to kill the bacteria. I'm really not sure if I've had grocery store chicken since that time. But lately, when the thought enters my mind, I really don't want it! I may be cured from wanting that chicken, and I suspect to some extent it might affect my interest in KFC too. I would consider that a GOOD thing!

It's not the thought or odor of bleach that's the problem. It's the thought of all the filth and disease that make the bleach necessary that makes me sick!

I remember years ago, during one of my many attempts to lose weight, I went to an information session where the concept of aversion therapy was explained to me. As I recall, the guy talked about giving a mild shock as you ate a problem food, and how that should help you avoid the food. I never participated in that, but I wonder if my experience with the chicken has actually been a sort of aversion therapy.

I can think of a couple other cases in which aversion has played a role in how I eat. I know on the rare occasions when I go to a buffet restaurant, having so many different types on food on my plate sort of makes me sick and I can't eat much! (If I were really of a mind to binge, I should just pick a favorite meal and go for it, and forget about partaking of the tremendous variety!) I'm always disappointed after a buffet because I really couldn't eat like I wanted to. And I guess that's a good thing, though it doesn't feel nice at the time.

Another time aversion has kept me from eating has been when I have been at the home of someone whose poor housekeeping makes me afraid to eat the food even when it should look appealing. Or at another person's house, when I saw the hostess mixing the ricottta cheese with the eggs and spices (for lasagna) with her hands! I could not eat that lasagna.

Maybe what I'm talking about is in some ways similar to being "picky". Picky people can drive others crazy, I know. But maybe it you're lucky enough to be picky, it's sort of a built-in method of weight control.

Today at work it was again treat day, so-proclaimed by one person for a group of four of us. Today it was her turn to bring the treat and she brought lox, bagels and cream cheese. Luckily I don't like lox. I did take the final bagel meant for me, but I put it in my purse and when I went to the post office, I dumped it in the trash.

Tomorrow we will be having my daughter and son and spouse and girlfriend for my daughter's birthday. I will be fixing ham and scalloped potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes (one of my husbands' purchases that is almost out of code!), salad, rolls and my daughter's favorite dessert no-bake oreo cheesecake. I'm heading into it without a lot of trepidation. There have been so many things going on lately and I haven't been getting out of control, so I'm feeling like I can handle tomorrow night. Maybe this is a case of building confidence through prior success?

How much does "satisfaction" affect feeling "full"?

2010-02-24T11:18:00.004-06:00

Oh dear! Oh dear! Bagels leftover from a meeting have been set right by my computer. There is a new supply of tootsie rolls where there is usually just hard candy. I am hereby committing to totally leave them alone. It just so happens that today is becoming a hungry day, so that is not very helpful. But oh well.

Now, on to what I was going to talk about:

My thoughts for today were going to explore the question, "Does 'satisfaction' with the food choice affect whether or not you feel full after a meal?" The reason I thought of this was because when I was making a wrap for my lunch today, I was hoping that I would like it. I haven't tried these wraps before, so I am/was concerned whether they'll be too dry, icky tasting etc. And then I went on to speculate that if I didn't care much for it, then I wasn't going to feel full, and I would automatically be wanting something more.

I know the answer to the question, for me, is that definitely I do not feel like I've had a meal if it was something I didn't care for! That seems a little wierd, but it's true. That's why, for me, I don't think a liquid diet would last very long.

So, in my case I guess the body signal of having had enough can't be all that strong, if it's affected by HOW I FEEL ABOUT the food. I guess that the most I could hope for is that I feel 'not hungry'. That's a whole different feeling than "full" or even "satisfied"! I know that one really should stop eating when one feels 'not hungry', instead of 'full', but I'm seeing now that that is harder to do if the food is unappealing.

This is in contrast to my husband. He of course wants a lunch that he can
get excited about, but when it isn't, he just shrugs his shoulders and eats it
and gets on with his work day. Now, he's different about dinner. He
has to have what he "feels like". So it can often be midday or after
before we plan dinner. Interesting how people are so different.

Is this convoluted, or what!

Wake up!

2010-02-23T10:14:00.003-06:00

I took the wrong container for lunch again yesterday! I am just going to have to stop being in so much of a hurry. At lunchtime I opened my container only to discover that it was my salad dressing. Bummer! (Today I went off without my filled water bottle, obviously I didn't learn the lesson from yesterday.)

I did have my grapes and orange, plus my breakfast oatmeal/apple. And I got off at 2 PM, so at that point I was able to go home and eat my precious Asian leftovers. I don't know what I would have done if I had been working till 4!

Today, when I packed what I thought were clementines, I see on the bag that it said mandarin oranges. Not that it matters. But I'm sure the bags/boxes in the past said clementines. Maybe sometimes it's clementines and sometimes it's mandarin oranges, depending on availability. Goes to show, you need to read the labels if you want to know what you're eating! I just saw "Cuties" on the bag and assumed it was clementines.

Last night was book club. My behavior at book club in the past 12 years has been all over the map. If I start on the munchies, I make a fool of myself because I keep dipping in the bowl all evening. Other times I steer clear. Then dessert comes. Sometimes I ask not to be served. Other times I eat it. Last night I steered clear of the nuts, there were a lot of cashews, which I love. Luckily the bowl was mostly at the other end of the table. She had the desserts all cut before I could ask her not to give me one. I did take a few bites, but I did not finish it.

The biggest success, though, was that when I got home I did not eat everything in sight. That is a well-known failure mode for me. I do well at the challenging event and then relax by eating. So I'm pleased and cautiously optimistic that I am on a roll here!

One Day's Analysis

2010-02-22T07:04:00.010-06:00

Here's what I ate yesterday.

early morning -- 1 orange

breakfast -- oatmeal with cranberries and protein powder (first time I'ved used the protein powder)

snacks-- 5 twizzlers, a little chex mix

dinner -- chicken with onion and avocado and a sauce, 1/2 egg roll, some rice (Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese Restaurant)

evening -- orange, butternut squash fries, 1 c. sugar snap peas

pre-bed -- I checked out my husband's bedside and in a single serve package of peanuts, there was about 1/4 cup left. I didn't take it. This morning I flushed them down the toilet because after work today, I would probably eat them.

I THINK I was generous in what I allowed for dinner calories (250 for the sauce), and I also calculated the snacks, and my total came in at 1600. Partially the reason is that I didn't have lunch, which actually worked out well, but wasn't planned that way.

Here's my analysis of the day:

I wasn't ready for breakfast when I got up so I just had an orange. Then time got away from me and I didn't eat my breakfast till noon. Then we left for our son's house and I had some of the licorice and chex mix, very controlled though. I felt good about not avoiding the snacks altogether, and including them in my count.

They have a Wii Fit so we spent our pre-dinner time playing with that. I've never tried it before and it was fun.

At dinner, somehow my husband and I forgot to share a meal, but we did bring home leftovers and are each taking them for lunch today. I washed the sauce off mine and my husband thinks I am crazy. In my out-of-control past, I would have finished the entire meal, no problem. Of course, the other three diners didn't even THINK of eating their entire meals.

When we got home, I certainly still wanted to eat, that's what evenings are for!! I avoided having oatmeal, but instead had fruits and vegetables, which I had been short on during the day.

I feel terrific that I didn't have a binge response because of going out to dinner and that I coped decently with the fact that I couldn't perfectly account for the calories of the dinner.

The 5 minute battle

2010-02-21T09:56:00.003-06:00

I would like to behave like this all the time:

Last night I had one of my fairly common can't-get-to-sleep situations. I actually was a little hungry also, even though I had had oatmeal/apple before bed. I lost the fight and went foraging, because I knew my husband had bought a new supply of individual serving peanuts. (He has good intentions of locking them up but so far doesn't realize that it has to be RIGHT NOW, not when he gets around to it.)

I took one serving and went back up to bed. I did not go back for more. So I "gave in" but I didn't binge. I can totally live with that.

A little history: when I was young, in my twenties, I would be on a WLP and would often be very hungry. It wasn't a crazy plan, it was a well-respected plan, but I still ended up truly FAMISHED at times and I would just soldier through. Until a day, eventually, when I could not stand it anymore and would eat everything in sight. It was such a relief to give myself permission to eat, and I felt no regret.

I really have never gotten over that, I think. I have a real hang-up about going to bed hungry. In a sick, perverted way, I think the binging in the past was a sort of "self-care" for having not had enough to eat for weeks or months.

I am not sure why I was able to stick to one serving last night. I kept thinking about how well I had done all day, and that in the next 5 minutes I had the power to eliminate that progress, depending on what I did. Now, I have had that thought process before, and it hasn't worked.

In a very wierd psychological twist, I think my mind finds it hard to believe that the food eaten in a 5 minute period cannot possibly obliterate the good choices made over the last 15 hours. Except that, the real me knows it CAN, and does.

It's exhausting, this little tiny battle that needs to be fought over and over, in order to win the war. NOT complaining, stating fact.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

2010-02-19T09:32:00.004-06:00

I'm taking a break from all the deep thinking, so I'm going to ask a few questions.

1. Do any of you use BodyBugg, or similar, and feel that it really is more accurate than what the machines at the fitness centers tell you regarding calories burned?

2. What is a good athletic shoe (in real life; I know the folks at the specialty shoe store will give their opinion) for a person with no special foot needs but likes a cushiony sole?

3. How often do you personally need new athletic shoes?

4. Has anyone had success losing weight eating a fair percentage of whole grains/beans in their diet? I mean more of the grains/beans than foods like carrots, broccoli, squash, fruit.

5. Has anyone out there lost a significant amount of weight without a regular exercise program?

6. Would you agree or disagree with this statement: Staying the course during a difficult food encounter (wedding, house guests, traveling, holiday) can be more stressful than just eating like you ate before your healthy plan.

7. Finally, and this is really what got me started with the idea of asking questions, so I don't know how it ended up at the bottom: To my utter dismay, our local channel showed the Olympics instead of Dr. Oz on the 16th. I have NOT been able to find a website that shows the episodes. The one that seemed like it was going to, ended up with a message "not available in your area." Does anyone know where a site is that will show the Dr. Oz show?!

Rambling self-analysis

2010-02-14T17:53:00.008-06:00

It's been a week since I've posted, huh? My eating program has been on my mind constantly, but I just haven't had an organized train of thought to write about.

I don't want anyone to think that my non-posting of my weight means that I am not with the program. I am just really hung up about the number, and seeing anything higher that what I last weighed in at will be mentally disastrous.

I recall two different times (long ago) when I was briefly off program and gained a huge amount in a short period of time. I don't remember exactly, but perhaps 30 pounds in a month or something like that. In both instances I was being "seen" at the time, one time it was Weight Watchers, one time it was monthly by a dietician.

Both times, the weighers couldn't hide their tremendous surprise at the big weight gain in a short period, and both made a comment before they could stop themselves. At WW, the guy's head did a double take; it was obvious he thought he had the wrong weigh in booklet. Very embarrassing -- to surprise even the people who are used to working with overweight people who gain and lose.

Quick and huge weight gain is what happens with me. I think it could be because when I gain weight, I gain it all over my body, so there are hungry fat cells everywhere just waiting for me to eat! So, I'm just not going to shock myself. I can eat properly and tell if I'm successful WITHOUT the scale until such time as I feel safe with it again.

I've done fairly decently the past week, although grudgingly. I get to the point (it's happened before) when I can hardly stand to look at an orange or a carrot or a piece of broccoli. I get so sick of the healthy food! I still like it, still want it, but I must be presenting it to myself too often or not having enough other foods along with those foods.

My regular diet includes no pre-packaged combination foods, like frozen meals or snack bars. I do of course use packaged milk, yogurt, cheese. That's for four reasons, I think.

One is that I didn't grow up on that stuff and it doesn't feel natural to eat it.

The second is that I am cheap/frugal, and that stuff is usually so expensive.

The third is that normally one serving of that stuff is not very filling and would need to be supplemented. I know when my husband has packaged meals for dinner, he always has two, and he is a "normal eater" who stops when he has had enough and has more if he is still hungry.

And finally, the fourth reason is the salt content.

But the frozen meals look so good! When I get sick of my healthy diet, I may want donuts, cookies and chips, but I also feel sorry for myself because I don't have that yummy junky packaged dinner stuff either.

I don't really have a solution to this conundrum. I have discovered that I really rock at losing weight, but I really suck at knowing how to deal with the mental plateau when it comes. I never ever look at new diet plans anymore because what I do really works...until my mind gets restless and I turn away from what works.

I have ordered from Paperbackswap the Dr. Phil book, because I have liked the quotes that Loretta posts on her site. I am also picking up the book The Pathway. This book is written by an author whose other book The Solution was recommended to someone in the comments section.

Finally, sometimes I suspect that I do too much mind work and not enough "just do it." Maybe I cajole myself into thinking how how hard I'm working just because I spend so much time reading and thinking about it.